Here goes nothing! I can't believe I'm doing this again. Another new job and why? Why am I always running from someone or something?
Every time I breathe in deeply, the cold air pierces my lungs like the tip of a knife. My stomach is feeling queasy from the large amount of coffee floating in it. As I sit, all I want is to be back in my warm bed and far away from the man who chases me in my thoughts.
Here I sit, in constant fear that he will appear in my peripheral vision and my life will no longer be my own.
I want to stand as people quickly walk past me because I don't want to be caught off guard. My knees are weak and I keep thinking "He won't find you, you were careful!"
The train whistle blows loudly and I feel the cold air slap my face as the cars slow down. I stand from the bench that gave me rest if only for a few minutes.
I wish I could walk outside, but it's just too cold today. Plus, I feel safer with the lobby security man sitting over there. I'm exhausted, I hate starting new jobs. I really hate meeting new people, all those fake "Welcome, so glad you're here!" "Where did you come from?" How do I say "I came from hell, how about you?" without sounding a million different alarms. Guess that would be bad, especially when I want to blend in and not tell my new co-workers I'm hiding from an abusive ex-boyfriend and just want to do my job and be left alone.
I love this window, the trees look so peaceful and the birds are all on high alert. Ready to warn me of approaching danger. "I wish!" Even while I was laying in a hospital bed recovering from the damage he did to me, I didn't feel safe. "Do I really think moving a few towns over is going to protect me?" "No" I'm just hoping I can buy some time to rethink my future, if I have a future. He took so much from me, my self worth, my sense of security and now my ability to trust people. I still have a hard time understanding all the lies he told me, and all the fake promises. He was so great building me up, making me feel like I was the luckiest girl in the world. By the time I realized the game had changed, I felt my life only mattered because he was in it and I had endured multiple beatings. I use to think I was a smart, pretty girl. I want to think that way again.
My peaceful and calm stare out the window was just interrupted by a person sitting directly next to me on the bench. I feel cold.
I heard it again, that voice..."Laney dear!" Earlier she scared me half to death as I sat looking out the window during my lunch break. "You're that new girl in my office right?" She gave me a mere heart attack when she interrupted my personal space. I'll admit I'm on edge, but it's not everyday someone you met for two seconds on the grand office tour sits down right next to you and acts as though your best friends. Here we sit once again, but now I'm finding comfort in her presence.
"Are you waiting for a train dear?" she asked in a sugary sweet voice. For a moment I wanted to say "No, I'm waiting for a bus and I can't understand why it's not coming!" Instead, I smiled and said "Switching problems, should be here soon!" "Me too, we must take the same train, isn't that funny?"
I looked at her, wanting to say "No, it's not funny, there is nothing funny about it!" But, as I looked into her light blue eyes I saw a sparkle, a sparkle I hadn't experienced in a long time. She had this ability to lower the cold shield I carried in front of me for protection. She kept talking and I was having trouble following her because I was captivated in the warmth she was giving off. It was almost like I was being wrapped in a nice warm blanket and I was enjoying it. I smiled at her again as she told me she was sorry for bombarding me with questions. "I'm just overwhelmed from my day, could you repeat?" I asked.
"I was just wondering where you got off, because I get off at Chesterton!" she said happily.
"Oh! That's where I get off too!" I said surprised.
Well, you would have thought I just told her she won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, by the way she squealed with joy. I think I actually laughed out loud! This sweet little woman had me mesmerized. I was so consumed with her animation, that I almost missed her say "Dear, the train pulled in, we need to get on!"
We got off the bench and walked toward the platform. It was nice to relax and I liked having a friend to be with.
"Oh! That's where I get off too!" I said surprised.
Well, you would have thought I just told her she won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, by the way she squealed with joy. I think I actually laughed out loud! This sweet little woman had me mesmerized. I was so consumed with her animation, that I almost missed her say "Dear, the train pulled in, we need to get on!"
We got off the bench and walked toward the platform. It was nice to relax and I liked having a friend to be with.
I was so happy when Janet offered to carpool to and from the train station. It just made me feel safer. I'd have a witness, someone who could call for help, someone with me from the minute I left my apartment, until I arrived home. This sweet middle-aged woman was probably a false sense of security, but I liked her. When I was in her presence, I just felt happy. I liked feeling happy again. Knowing she only lived blocks from my building added to my comfort level.
When did my life take such a nose dive into hell? I hated to think about it, but knew I needed to learn to recognize the signs, so I never make the same mistake again. Janet talks of her son, the high school teacher and how she wants me to meet him. I want to tell her why I am so afraid to meet anyone, even her son. I can't, I cannot burden her with my screwed up troubles. She is so kind and I know she would do whatever possible to help me. That wouldn't be fair, this was my mess. I let Kevin in my life and it was my responsibility to keep him out of my life forever.
Janet is so reliable, I barely put my bag down on the bench when I hear a car pull up.
Hard to believe we were through another winter and I was no longer the "new" employee. Usually winter drags and spring seems to take forever to bloom. I don't know if it was my new found friendship with Janet, or the fact that I was starting to relax once again, but it just seemed like time was flying by and most days I was feeling pretty happy. Happiness, I almost didn't recognize it when a smile quietly appeared on my face. Janet and I had become fast friends and I really looked forward to talking with her every day. She was full of life, at a time when I was numb. Numb to feelings, numb to joy and numb to pain. I had managed to delay the meeting she kept pushing for with her son. I feared that I wouldn't be able to trust another guy and in the meantime, would destroy the relationship that we had developed. Janet was probably one of the nicest people I had ever met and I wasn't ready to give her up. She was stability in my otherwise volatile existence. A reality born from a misjudgment, an illusion so deceiving that I fell deep into it's control and domination. The weight so heavy, that most days I'd longed to drown in the toxic defilement that was now my life. My world had become so harrowing, that death would had been a relief.
On this particular day, I should have known Janet was up to something. Especially, when she convinced me to ride into the city on a Saturday. We worked in the city Monday thru Friday and the thought of traveling there on a Saturday, was something I didn't want to do. She was persistent and there we were riding the rails on a Saturday morning. It became even more obvious when she kept walking past all these shops that I wanted to stop in. "There will be plenty of other shops down this way" she tried convincing me! "What is your hurry?" I asked. Then it happened, I heard her squeal with delight as she yelled in a high pitch voice "David, oh my is that you?
"Hi Mom!" the man replied.
"Laney dear, this is my son David"
For a moment, I was angry. I knew she had deceived me, and I didn't like being manipulated. My wounds were still tender to the touch. I composed myself and took David's outstretched hand. As we shook hands, I wondered if he felt the trembling of my fingers in the grasp of his firm grip. Slowly, his grip weakened and I felt comfort in the strong, but gentleness of his hand. For a minute, I continued to hold his hand as if he transferred some mystical healing power. Catching myself, I quickly pulled away and rambled "Nice to meet you, I've heard so much about you!" He smiled and nervously played along with his mother that our meeting was a surprise. I looked at Janet with a smug expression, letting her know the gig was up. She stopped the charades and said I'm just so happy you could finally meet.
David lifted some bags off the bench and we headed to a nearby restaurant.
There would be about a 15 minute wait for a table and Janet took that time to excuse herself and head over to the ladies room. I had just sat down at the lobby bench and thought it may seem too much like high school if I got up and followed her to the bathroom. He would clearly recognize it, since he probably spent most days seeing groups of girls congregate in the women's restroom, talking about boys. I didn't want him to think that was what we would be doing. I remained seated for a few minutes, but then began to wonder why I even cared what he thought of me. After all, I didn't want a relationship and I resented being tricked into meeting David at all.
I started to get agitated again, when I heard him ask "So, how long have you been living in Chesterton?" I must have glanced in his direction rather harshly, because he continued "Sorry, Mom talks...a lot." I think he even blushed and just like his mother, his smile lowered my defensive shields.
"Not long," was all I answered as I reminded myself that Kevin was quite the charmer in the beginning. I then began to wonder what else Janet had said about me. Before I could reply anything else, she was back standing in front of us.
"So, have you two been able to get acquainted?" she said in the sugary sweet voice I've come to recognize.
"You were in the bathroom Mom! It's not like you have been gone that long!" David answered sounding a bit irritated.
I think I smirked, because I found it entertaining to watch them banter back and forth. Just when I thought I might join in, that plastic coaster lite up like an alien space ship and startled me back into reality.
David and I rose from the bench and followed Janet into the dining area.
I live with that decision every day. I know in some ways it made me even more of a coward and I knew Kevin reveled in that. I should have probably moved across the country, but I had done that already. My dad was never really in my life and I lost my mom a few years ago. It had been just the two of us for so long and I wanted to experience a new life. I thought I was ready, I believed I was a strong, independent woman. So, after Mom died I traveled, looking for a new beginning. I thought I had finally found it with Kevin, but I soon learned I wasn't even close to being prepared. Over the past few months, I have continued the torment by internally beating myself up for being so stupid, for not protecting myself or others from him. Therapy has helped explain something that was so foreign to me. I've learned the signs, the manipulation, the lack of conscience and the narcissistic drive that fuels these people. Before it happened to me, I just thought people made bad choices. I thought this behavior would be obvious. I learned it has nothing to do with being smart and sadly when you grow up trusting, you become an easy target. Honestly, I think schools should start teaching the psychology of personality disorders along with sex education. We are all searching for ourselves, but sadly we think we know everything. That is until the rug is pulled out from under us and we realize we had no idea of the evil some people possess.
Now, I trust little and live constantly in fear...if you can call that living.
I had anticipated this day for some time now, after all David had asked me to dinner on more than one occasion. While Janet and I were sitting outside, enjoying our lunch break, she asked the question I had been dreading. She wanted to know if I wasn't interested in her son, David. I guess my list of excuses for not having dinner with him were becoming too apparent. I wanted to tell her that he probably was the nicest guy I had ever met. How we actually had so much in common and I truly enjoyed his company. In addition, he truly seemed like great boyfriend material and I'll admit there was a physical attraction. Unfortunately, with those feelings being very strong, sadly my fear of relationships was greater. I couldn't bring myself to say "Yes" when he politely asked me to dinner.
I think my heart rose directly to my throat, because I couldn't speak, I was having trouble breathing. Janet looked concerned when she said "I'm so sorry dear, I didn't mean to put you on the spot!" As I looked at her, tears welled up into my eyes. "It's okay dear, not everyone feels the same way towards another, I understand!" she continued.
Quickly, I stood up from the bench and shouted "No, no, that's not it. It's me, it's not him!" Janet kept assuring me it was okay and it was making me anxious. I could be losing the best thing I have in my life. "I'm scared, I'm just scared!" I yelled.
"Scared of my David? Laney dear sit down and tell me why your scared" she responded. I stood with tears streaming down my face. She took my trembling hands and pulled me toward the bench. I had opened Pandora's box and now struggled to pop the lid back on. It wasn't going back on and I didn't know if I should just let it all out.
It had been about 2 weeks since I confided all the horrific details of my relationship with Kevin to Janet. Once I started talking, it was like the flood gates opened and there was no stopping it. The words were endless and overwhelming as Janet just sat holding my trembling hands for what seemed like hours. When I was finished I was exhausted and my face and shirt drenches from tears. I will never forget what Janet said to me that day, when she told me "Dear, you will never move forward in life if your past is still wrapped around your feet. It will hold you back and drag you down." She went on to tell me that we are not meant to walk through life alone and that God provides us with assistance in the form of good people who can help us carry our burdens until we can put them down and leave them behind forever. I confessed my fear that Kevin would one day find and kill me. I explained how I worried he would hurt or destroy anyone who may be in his way. She asked me why, if I was so afraid of him, did I not press charges, especially if I truly believed he would do what I was claiming.
You see, after I was released from the hospital, I stayed at a wonderful safe home. They helped me to get back on my feet and they helped me to recover and to be safe. Unfortunately, I thought back to other women like myself who lost their life when a restraining order failed to protect them. I felt that maybe if I just disappeared, he wouldn't waste his time looking for me. At the time I felt alone and just wanted to get as far away from Kevin as I could. That was the route I chose, I know deep down I should have pressed charges, because if he wasn't coming after me, he most likely would be destroying some other women's life. I felt guilty for that. After my physical wounds healed, I started working on my emotional ones. Unfortunately, those wounds were deeper and harder to heal. This was the choice I made months ago, and I hoped that as time passed, if I just flew under the radar, stayed off the grid, maybe just maybe he wouldn't find me. I never planned on making friends, I was just trying to get on my feet and save some money, until I could come up with my next plan.
Meeting Janet and definitely meeting David was never on my to do list. Now, I wondered how in the world I had ever agreed to spend a beautiful Sunday afternoon strolling through the botanical gardens with David. We had managed to walk for about an hour, just making small talk about the gardens. It wasn't until we stopped and sat on a bench deep in the flower gardens that realized how much I liked him. He was kind and funny and like his mother, he wasn't afraid to be my friend. Spending time with him made me forget about my past. We spent the rest of the day talking and learning about each other and the more we talked the lighter I felt. That huge weight I was dragging around my ankles was loosening and I didn't feel so tired any more. I was beginning to feel free.
