Robert's Story

                                                

I don't understand why I have to be a part of this decision anyway.  My opinion never matter to him and if he thinks I like it, he will hate it for sure. 

"What's that crap you're playing?  You honestly think someone will pay to hear that?" his words still sting today.  "Hey old man, people pay a lot of money to hear me play!  He never understood me or my obsession with music.  He was a butcher, all he knew were cuts of meat and knives.  He worked the typical work day and expected everyone else to be on his schedule.  Well, that doesn't happen when the gig your playing doesn't even start until 10 pm.

"Where the hell is my sister!"  She is famous for making these plans and then showing up an hour late. As I started to look around the courtyard, I wondered if my father would ever step outside this building again.  He and my mother loved the little house they retired in.  It was perfect for them.  Then mom got sick and Dad took care of her.  It was the one time I actually saw my father vulnerable.  When it came to me, my mother was always making up excuses for him.  "Your father doesn't understand music, now if you played football or baseball, that he would understand" she would say.  "He doesn't have to understand to support me" I'd tell her. 

Eventually, I just stopped talking to him and my visits were pretty infrequent.  Ever since my mother passed, Dad's dementia or Alzheimer's seemed to really accelerate.  Now, I live with the guilt of not being around a lot for Mom and now Dad struggles to remember me. Although, he still gets agitated when he sees me, so I'm thinking he remembers more then he's letting on.

"Finally, what the hell took you so long?" I asked my sister Jess.  "The baby spit up all over me, right when I was dropping her off at the sitter. I had to go back home and change" she snapped back at me.  With matched anger, I replied "You never heard of a phone?" "Obviously more than you, I texted you a half hour ago jerk face!" she said in her 10 year old little sister voice.

I got up from the bench and glanced at my phone to see the big glaring #1 sitting next to the message icon.  "Shit!" I mumbled under my voice as we walked toward the "Sunny Days Assisted Living" facility and I already knew Dad was going to hate it here!




                                    

Angrily, I said "I don't understand why you can never arrive on time!"  Shoving my niece onto my lap, my sister Jess shouted back "You need to help out more Robert!  I can't do this alone anymore!"  

By now, Jess was running back toward the parking lot, as my nephew was making a bee line toward a school bus that was idling.  I love my sister's kids, but there is something not right with that boy.

My attention was immediately replaced by my niece rubbing her saliva soaked fingers across my unshaven face.  "Feels kinda rough huh?" I asked the baby as if I was expecting a response.

She smiled and continued touching my cheek.  "You're lucky I like you!" I told her as I wiped the baby dribble from my cheek with my sleeve.

Now, I could hear my nephew screaming in one of his usual tantrums.  I turned to see my sister carrying him kicking and screaming.   As she struggled I found myself glued to the park bench, unable to move even though my brain said “Go help her you bum!”

She sat next to me cradling Joey as if she was putting a cover on a bowling pot of water.  He continued to bubble all over the place, shooting arms and legs in every direction.  The other parents at the park starred in discontent. 

Feeling uncomfortable I asked “What’s his problem, why is he always so upset?” 

Grabbing him to keep him on her lap she looked at me with tears in her eyes, “Do you think this is fun for me?” With pain on her face she leaned toward me and said “My life is a major disaster and I’m doing the best that I can!  Roy moved out 2 weeks ago and I am literally on the verge of losing my mind!  You’re going to have to step up and take on Dad, because if I have one more thing to deal with, you may be raising two kids!”

She abruptly got up off the bench and flung Joey over her shoulder.  He was finally settling down as she headed back toward the parking lot.  I looked at my niece, Chloe and said “I guess this is our clue to leave!”  I stood from the bench and waved “Hi” to some of the women who continued to stare at us.  In a sarcastic tone I shouted “Nothing to see here, everyone has a bad day once in awhile!”  I felt my face turn red with embarrassment as I walked toward the car.  My thoughts immediately turned back to my poor sister and how I needed to be there for her, like she was always there for everyone else.

                                     

The more time I spend with my father, the more sorry I feel for him.  Ever since my mother passed away, I feel as though her family is falling apart.  First, it was Dad's dementia and now my sister's marriage.  Jess finally admitted that Joey has been a strain for her and her husband.  She wanted Joey tested for Autism, but my brother-in-law thinks she just is babying him too much.  They can't agree on how to handle his outbursts and they fight all the time. So, one night in the heat of an argument he left and hasn't come home since.  

"I hope they call us soon, Margaret can't be alone for very long" my father said looking worried.  I could explain that my mother, Margaret is dead, but when I do, he cries as if he loses her all over again.  I can't watch his heart break another time, so I say "No worries pa, Jess is with Mom.  She's in good hands!"  He smiles and said "Oh yes, Jess!"

We sat silent for a few minutes and then he looked at me angrily and asked "Are you working yet, or are you still playing that devil's music?"  

For the first time ever, I didn't get mad!  I actually laughed out loud and said "No pa, no more devil music, I have a good job!" 

"Yeah, a good job, doing what?" he asked almost knowing I was lying about the devil's music.

Now, I needed to think quick, what job would dad find respectable for his only son to have? Without wasting another minute, I shot back "Don't you remember pa, I'm a doctor?"  

A doctor? A doctor? What in God's name possessed me to say a doctor?  It must have been all those years of playing the devil's music...I'm damned!  Not only am I lying to my father, but my lies are horrible! 

He looked around as people in lab coats walked passed.  "You a doctor like them?" he asked shoving his thumb in the direction of some passing people.

"Well, I don't know about them" I said trying to buy myself a few minutes to come up with a story.  Just then a nurse opened the door and called my dad's name.  If I am lucky in a few minutes he will forget what I just said and this bad charade will be over.

"Come on pa, that's you" I said grabbing his arm and helping him up off the bench.  

As we walked through the door, he announced "This is my son Robert, he's a doctor you know!"  

The nurse turned back in my direction and I held my finger to my mouth as to say "Quiet!" I quickly shook my head no.  She smiled and replied "You must be so proud!"

"Why are you sitting out here?' Jess asked.  

I told her, "I heard you with the kids and didn't want to disrupt the bedtime ritual.  I know how much Joey needs his rituals!"  

She sat down on the bench next to me and started to cry.  She began, "It's so hard Robert! I feel like I've lost everything.  When Roy told me he wanted to sell the house and get a divorce, I think my heart stopped beating.  I couldn't breathe, it was like someone shoved my head under water and was holding me down.  I knew that moving wasn't going to be easy, especially for Joey, but having strangers constantly coming in and out of the house wasn't any easier.

"Roy's a piece of crap, you know I never did like him?" I told Jess.

Watching her in all this pain, made me want to hurt him.  

There were times I wished I had chosen a normal job, where I wasn't always away from home.  Although, having been home for the last few months, I was getting antsy.  I had owned this town home for years. When I was going to be on the road for long stretches of time, I rented it out.  It just seemed the easiest answer for Jess and the kids.  Had we known Roy was going to walk out on his family, we could have not sold our parents house.  Jess and the kids could have moved there.  I even offered to pay the mortgage for Jess on her and Roy's house, but she didn't want to stay there.  It was just too much work for her to handle on her own.  

I was staying most nights with Jess, just to help her out with the kids.  I took over running dad to his various doctor appointments.  The band and I were doing some local shows and some studio work, but I wasn't sure how long I could continue to prolong this visit.  We had some major gigs coming up and if I was going to continue making a living playing music, I needed to get back to it!

We remained sitting on the porch bench, not saying a word.  It reminded me of when we were kids and we would lay on the grass and stare up at the stars.  We didn't talk, we'd just lie there in complete peacefulness.  Now, this moment was peaceful too, so different from the chaos that existed most minutes of every hour. I took a deep breath and prayed it wouldn't end.

I knew the peacefulness couldn't last forever, but I was hoping we'd get maybe a day! It's pretty sad when the way I choose to escape Joey's daily screaming fits is to go visit my dad. Jess has had it with my escapes and today she basically let me know it.  Joey was screaming and thrashing around for some unknown reason as usual.  As I started to gather my car keys, she threw Joe's shoe at me. As I turned to see why I was getting pummeled with children's footwear, I saw it!  The despair in her eyes stopped me cold. I froze watching her try and keep her son from hurting himself, while protecting herself from repeated blows to her body.  By now Chloe had stopped playing and was crying too.  "Don't just stand there, do something" my sister yelled at me with tears streaming down her face.  I walked toward her and she yelled again "Not him, Chloe! Why don't you take Chloe for a walk or something."  I turned toward Chloe and the baby immediately put up her arms for me to pick her up.  "Poor kid, she wants to escape as much as I do" I thought.  As I walked toward the door to leave, Jess yelled "Take a bottle, she probably needs one and the diaper bag too!"  

I deliberately avoided committed relationships, raising kids wasn't my thing. I realized that early on when my serious girlfriend of 3 1/2 years kept mentioning how many kids we would have one day.  Each time she mentioned it, the thought of ending our relationship became the only thing I could think about.  The person I thought I was in love with, who I wanted as my wife, was now someone I dreaded coming home to.  Eventually, I couldn't fake it anymore, and she realized I wasn't who she thought I was.  After-all, she made her plans clear from the beginning.  I was the one who pretended like I wanted the same things, until it became obvious I didn't.  

We didn't get far into our walk, when Chloe started crying again.  I walked to the front of the stroller and handed her the bottle.  Her little hands reached up towards me again. "No, I am not carrying you and pushing this stroller too!" I told her as if she would say "Fine!"  I struggled like the amateur I am.  Then I heard a voice say "Do you need help or something?"  I looked up to find a teenage girl sitting on a bench a few feet a head of where I was making a fool out of myself.  "It's my niece, I'm not really good at this" I told her in hopes of not looking like the loser I was.  "Here, go sit on the bench with her and I will push the stroller over" she said smirking.  I knew she was thinking "What an idiot he is!!"

Now I was sitting on the bench, but Chloe was still crying.  "Do you have something to make her happy?" the girl asked looking in the stroller.  "Here" she said handing me the bottle and baby blanket. "She's probably tired, lay her back and maybe she will go to sleep!" she continued. Chloe began drinking and running the blanket through her fingers. She did this for a few minutes, before she drifted off to sleep.  I just held her close, smelling her baby scent and feeling amazed at how sweet she looked in my arms.  The girl laughed quietly and said "They're not that scary once you figure out what they want." I looked up at her as she sat next to me on the bench. "I do my share of babysitting" she said smiling. "Tell me everything you know about babysitting!" I said loudly.  Chloe immediately startled and began to cry again. The girl rubbed her head and whispered "Give her the bottle again!" Chloe took a few sips and fell back to sleep.  "Whisper around sleeping children" she said in a soft but sarcastic tone.  She smiled and got up from the bench.  A teenage boy had approached and it was obvious, that was who she was waiting for.  "After she's been asleep for a little bit, try and lay her in the stroller, maybe you can continue your walk!" she told me sympathetically.  "Thanks for your help" I whispered as I recognized the boy.  He gave me a head nod to show his acknowledgement.

I kept thinking Jess would have been better just taking Joey by herself.  When Roy cancelled claiming he couldn't get off work, I pleaded that I would stay home with Chloe, that she should just go.  That didn't go over too well, she completely fell apart. She was already dealing with the fact that her soon to be ex-husband was a douche bag, I couldn't have her believing it was the whole male species.  Although, I was starting to think maybe it was. Maybe that's the reason we don't get pregnant.  Here my poor sister had to take her oldest child for an Autism evaluation and all I wanted was to get out of going. I was so pissed at Roy for this, Joey wasn't my kid, he was his!  I deliberately chose to be non-committal, no wife, no kids!  I didn't want to deal with all this...."Damn it!" I thought shaking my head and rolling my eyes.  My sobbing sister had locked her arms around both my legs.  All she kept saying was "Please help me."  It was obvious I wasn't getting away and now I felt even worse for ever wanting to.  

I bent down and said "Stop, fine I'll go.  Just stop crying and get up off the floor."  She immediately jumped up and hugged me so hard that I almost fell backwards.   "Do something with yourself" I told her as I straighten my tear soaked pant legs.  She ran out of the room and I found myself starring at Joey, as he sat glued to the TV.  The only time the boy was happy was when those talking trains were on.  He would always have one of those engines in his hands.  I wondered how she planned to get him out of the house, now that he was fixated on the TV.   

Jess spent the next few minutes running from one room to the other.  Before I knew it, she handed me a diaper bag and Chloe.  "Could you put her in the car while I get Joey?" she asked. "Sure!" I answered, relieved I didn't have to pry Joey away.  

As I sat in the car waiting for her to come out, I imagined I'd hear screaming pretty soon. Surprisingly, the car door opened and she put Joey into his car seat.  I turned back to see how she managed to leave without a meltdown.  Then I saw the tablet in his hands and I heard those trains again.  "Hello Thomas"..."Hello Percy"  Yep, there was no escape, those trains were coming with us. 

We dropped Chloe off at the sitter and were now sitting on a bench in a kid friendly waiting room.  There were little chairs and tables with toys all around.  Joey never saw them, he was still obsessed with his tablet.  Jess managed to move Joey from the house to the hospital pretty amazingly.  As long as he had that video playing, he wasn't paying attention to anything else.  Then the door opened and they called his name.  Jess attempted to put the tablet away, but Joey immediately released a blood curdling scream. "Let him have it, at least until we get inside!" I said panicking a bit.  She handed him back the tablet and said "You can watch it, but follow momma!"  He climbed off the bench, never breaking his gaze from the screen.  Occasionally, I would even see a small smile form when one of the engines said something that he must have thought funny.  Whenever I saw that smile, it made me smile.  He wasn't happy often, so when he was, it made me happy.  As we entered a room with two-way mirrors, I wondered if all Autism evaluations involved trains, or just Joey's.  I also wondered who would be watching us from the other side.

I felt horrible leaving Jess, especially since she just received the diagnosis that Joey is on the Autism spectrum. Unfortunately, the band had a small tour that we needed to show up for and with Dad settled in at Sunny Days Assisted Living, it was time to get back to work. I was hoping our neighbors could give her a hand if needed, Tanner seemed like a sweet kid and his dad has been pretty helpful, especially since Roy rarely shows up to see his kids. It was the fastest divorce, of course Roy will pay child support and some alimony, but didn't really care much about visitation. I am not a family man, but if you make a kid, you're a dad and should act like one! Jess and Roy were married for 6 years, Joey and Chloe were planned. It makes no sense to me, except he is punishing Jess for going through with the evaluation. He didn't want his kid labeled and now Joey has started a special pre-school where he will get some therapies to help him. Roy doesn't care that Joey's getting help, it's that he is different that bothers him. I know Jess already is seeing an improvement and is feeling more empowered and hopeful. It is great to see her smile and not crying all the time. 

  

Tanner's Story

                                          

"This sucks so bad!  I totally hate everyone here!  Really, you think I can't feel you starring a hole into the side of my face?"  

"Yep, we are moving again son!"  

"Thanks Dad!  Appreciate it!"  

I keeping sitting here thinking about how much you are ruining my life.  Just once I wish my dad would consider my feelings.  He's not the only one hurting here.  Starting over new doesn't erase the fact that she existed.  Just once I wish he would realize I loved her too. She was my mother!  

Baseball, I can actually hit something and feel good about it.  Actually, baseball is the one thing I can do somewhat well.  At least I felt that way in Kenton. Kenton, home of the "Flying Eagles!"  I miss Kenton, a least they had a cool mascot.  I've only been here for 3 weeks and I hate it already!

Dad likes to divert himself to keep his thoughts of mom buried.  He dumped his feelings into the grave that day and every time they come to the surface we move.  A week after my mothers funeral, we moved to Turnberry.  We were there less then six months.  It doesn't help that he can't leave me behind too. Unfortunately, if he chose to leave me behind it would be abandonment!  So, six months in Turnberry, dad broke the lease and dropped me off in Wellington with my grandparents.  

Dad wanted to get away from anything that could remind him of my mother and that included me.  Don't get me wrong, my father loves me, but I remind him a lot of my mother and he wants nothing more than to forget his loss.  I was eight when I started school in Wellington.  It was a small farming town and there weren't many of us that went to school there.  I had made a few friends and was just starting to settle in, when my dad showed up one Saturday to pick me up.  He was excited, he had a new job and I guess he thought he could see me again.  Off we went!

We lasted pretty long in Ashburg.  I think it was maybe a whole school year.  My teachers, the school social worker kept telling him "It's not good to keep uprooting the boy!"  I barely remember all the towns we lived in, but I liked it in Kenton.  We lasted there the longest, almost four years.  My dad seemed to be happy and for me they were four important years. I had made some stable friends and really found myself playing baseball.  I knew my competition and I knew I could beat it! 

Here in Chesterton, I felt like an outsider and I knew I didn't belong.  

I turned my head to vaguely hear "Tanner!"  My eyes met a freckle faced kid as he loudly announced "Loser, your up!"

I got off the bench and walked out of the dugout.  My tryouts for the Chesterton Yellow Jackets just began.  "Who the hell wants to be a Yellow Jacket anyway?"  Everyone but me!

                                                         

Every time I turned around that stupid freckled face kid was there again.  He didn't talk to me, he just lurked, staring at me.  Finally, I had enough of it, when he sat down next to me on the bench.  Before I could open my mouth I felt a shove from my other side.  I was being sandwiched between two wannabes or what my dad called "posers."  

"Really Dad, I don't think anyone uses that word anymore" I would tell him.  

But, now these two were just getting on my nerves. 

"So Tanner, you need to choose sides!" said the freckled face kid giving me a shove.  

"It's us or them, whose it gonna be?" said the other one. 

"Think about it and get back to us" ole freckled face said as he punched me in the shoulder while getting up.  The two of them walked down the hall slapping and shoving each other.  I must have looked confused, because I heard a voice say "Their harmless...idiots, but harmless idiots!"  When I turned in the direction of the voice, I saw a girl sitting across the hall next to an open locker.

"Who are they?" I asked.  

"Ben and Nick" the girl said.  I just stared at her and she seemed uncomfortable.  She started pulling her books together and stood up.  

"They just want what everyone wants, to fit in" she said closing her locker.  

"Is that what you want?" I asked.  

"I want to disappear" she said walking away.

"Hey, what's your name?" I shouted.

She just kept walking.  I jumped off the bench and started after her.  

"Hey, wait up!" I yelled again.  Just then I was yanked backwards by the hood of my sweatshirt.  The force of the pull choked me a little and I stumbled to remain on my feet.




                                                 

I kept hoping if I sat here long enough she would walk past.  I don't understand this school. I didn't get what made me an immediate target?  Granted moving in mid-school year didn't help.  But, I could always count on my favorite duo to show up.  Just then my hat

was knocked off my head as one of them plopped down next to me on the bench.

"Come on Nick, we are hear to congratulate our buddy Tanner!" the freckled face kid said bending down to get my hat.  "I'm Ben and that's Nick, we wanted to congratulate you on making the team!" he said holding out my hat in front of me.  

Without breaking my stare, I grabbed the hat from his hand.  "So the list is up huh?  Guess that explains why I was randomly choked in the hallway!" I said.  

"Who was it?" Ben asked.

I shrugged an "I don't know!"

"I bet I know" he said looking toward Nick.  They both started laughing and said "I knew he'd be pissed he didn't make the team.  Don't sweat it, he wasn't any good anyway!"

I continued to watch for her and really wished my new friends would leave.  Then I saw her, but so did they.  Nick jumped off the bench and followed Ben in the direction of the girl.  I heard Ben say "Hey Alex wait!"

"Leave me alone Ben!" she said as she continued to walk past him.  

"I just wanted to know if you needed a ride!" he said as he stopped and watched her walk away.

She looked at me and rolled her eyes.  I jumped up and hurried to catch up with her.  

"I'm Tanner, what's your name?" I asked trying to keep her pace.

Suddenly she stopped and said "Look Tanner, I'm sure you are a great guy, but I'm not looking for any new friends!"  She turned away and started running through the parking lot.

By now Ben and Nick were standing next to me and we all were starring in the direction that she ran.  

"Something happened. I don't know what, but she changed.  She's been my neighbor my whole life and now it's like we are complete strangers.  It just doesn't make sense" Ben said almost sounding depressed.

The three of us stood still, watching her continue to weave in between parked cars.  I wondered what her story was.

Hitting me in the arm, Ben asked "Want a ride?" 

Rubbing my shoulder,  I said "Yeah" in hopes of seeing where Alex lived.  I couldn't understand why I wanted to know her so badly, but I wasn't ready to give up.

I spent many, many days sitting on Ben's deck just hoping, maybe Alex would come over and hang out with us.  By this point, I had become pretty good friends with Ben and Nick. They had their obnoxious moments, but they really weren't that bad.  We were together a lot due to baseball.  It seemed like the only time I saw Alex was when she walking into her next class.  Even hanging out near her locker wasn't very successful.  I told myself, "Dude, stop being so creepy and move on!  She doesn't want anything to do with you!"

Things at home were getting better though.  My dad seemed to be happy with his new job and the duplex next store had some new occupants living there. Originally, it seemed vacant but recently, some lady and her two little kids moved in.  I found my dad talking to the woman and even helping her from time to time. It was weird.  He had become a hermit after my mom died.  He really didn't talk to anyone, including me.  He'd sit at the table and read the newspaper, or he would lay on his bed watching TV.  Now, he would stick his head in my room every night and ask if every thing was okay.  The first night he did that, I asked "What do you mean?"  I had no idea what he was asking about.  

"You know, you? Your life?" he replied.  

I wanted to say "You're asking me now?  You haven't talk to me in like 7 years, why now?" 

In two years I will be 18 and probably out of his house.  Why even bother, I thought. All I replied was "I'm fine, thanks for asking!"

Sadly, I missed the guy, so many times over the years I had wished he would care about me just a little bit.  Don't get me wrong, I always had clean clothes, food to eat and a place to live.  I appreciated that, but I really wanted my dad.  I wanted to play catch outside with him. I wanted to watch the football game or go to a movie now and then. I just wanted to be with him.  Depending on where we were living, my grandparents, aunts and/or uncles would attempt to visit at least a few times a month.  I got use to doing those things with them and stopped expecting my dad to change.  The shitty thing was, we used to be a family. We were always going places and doing things together.  I remember playing cars on the floor with my dad.  My mother was always happy, my parents were happy, I was happy!   Until we weren't.  I don't really remember the exact moment our lives changed.  It was before my mother died, it must of been when she first got sick.  

One day, I remember her crying and telling my grandmother how much she had wanted me to have a brother or sister and how now it wouldn't happen.  I remember my grandma telling her "There's always adoption."  I didn't really know what that meant back then.  I just knew my mom wasn't as happy as she used to be.  I wondered why I wasn't enough for her.  Why she was sad that I wouldn't have a brother or sister.  I never asked her.  She was always going to the hospital and she was always not feeling well.  Everyone told me I needed to let her rest.  That's when I got sad.  I just wanted to be a family again.

This new dad was odd and to be honest, I didn't know how to handle it.  I was afraid that just like when I was living some where I liked, we would move.  I was afraid if I got use to talking to him, he may stop again.  If that happened, I might hate him and I didn't want to hate him. After all, he was my dad, he was all I had.

Life was just getting weirder by the minute.  Dad asked me to go clothes shopping with him. He wanted some new "outfits"...."Outfits??? WTH!!"  He needed more than new clothes if he was going to impress this lady, so I agreed to go help him pick some "outfits" out. I had no idea who this man was that I was living with, but I knew he definitely was not my father!  

Now, he wanted to take me to lunch and I couldn't hide the bewilderment that was stamped across my face.  I think I made him uncomfortable, because he told me to go sit on the bench while he put his packages in the car.  That's when I saw her!  Walking towards the restaurant with her eyes locked on the ground was Alex.  I kept praying she would look up and see me sitting there. "Look up, look up, look up" I kept thinking in my head.  I kept squirming from side to side, hoping to catch her attention.  I even fake coughed with no results!  When she was directly in front of me I shouted "Hi Alex, how are you?"  Startled, she shot her head up and said "Oh hey Tanner!"  I jumped up, excited she remembered my name.  "Where's the other two stooges?" she inquired. That made me laugh and smirking I told her "I'm here with my Dad!"  "Oh" she said and for the first time she made eye contact with me that lasted more than a few seconds.  I was really enjoying seeing her eyes and just when I got enough courage to speak, my Dad arrived.  He proceeded to awkwardly put his arm around me and then said "Son, whose your friend?"

To my surprise, Alex held out her hand and said "Nice to meet you Tanner's Dad! I am Alex, your son and I go to school together!" I stood watching these two people converse as if they were old friends.  I wanted to talk to each of them for so long, and here they were chatting it up, while I stood dumbfounded and looking stupid.  

Tanner and I are grabbing some lunch, would you like to join us? my Dad asked. "I was just getting something quick" she responded.  "I insist Alex!  Tanner and I would love your company" my dad said convincingly.  

Next thing I knew I was sitting across the table from Alex and had absolutely nothing to say!

It was weird, Alex would talk for hours to me over text, but the minute we were in person she acted like she didn't know me.  I couldn't figure her out, but I wanted to keep trying.  I was shocked when she agreed to meet me at a walking path near my subdivision.  It usually was packed with couples, dog walkers and families with strollers.  I thought "Why there?" but was just happy she at least agreed to meet me.  

When I arrived at the chosen bench, I was bummed to see her sitting with a man and his kid. Of course she wouldn't be alone, it seems she avoids every chance for that to happen. To my surprise, I actually recognized the guy she was with.  He owned the townhouse next to mine, where he lived with his sister and her kids.  His sister is the woman my dad was infatuated with.  Now, he was talking to the girl I was crushing on. "What's this guy's deal?" I thought looking to blame my misfortune on someone else.

I nodded in acknowledgement that I recognized him.  

     

     "You're my neighbor right?" he asked.  

     "Yeah, I'm Tanner!  My dad and I live next door to you and your sister" I responded. 

     "That's right" he said shaking his head yes.  

     "So, you guys know each other?" I asked pointing toward him and Alex.  

Surprisingly, they both responded with a quick "No!" Looking confused, Robert, as I just found out was his name, clarified that "She was helping me out with my niece, I'm clueless" he said laughing quietly.  

     "I'm Alex, I'm glad I could help" Alex responded with a gesture for a handshake towards Robert. 

Rising from the bench to shake her hand, he softly responded "Well, maybe I'll try and put her down as you suggested."   

     "Gently" Alex said in a whisper.  

Robert whispered back "I got it!"  The baby didn't wake, so Robert softly waved and slowly headed down the path.  

Alex and I stared at each other for a moment and then she moved to sit on the bench.  I quickly followed and sat next to her.  Immediately, she jumped up and said "Let's walk!" She chose the direction that Robert was headed in and I wondered what she was so afraid of me. 

Alex and I were finally beginning to hang out at school.  She would swing by my locker after 5th period and we would walk to lunch together.  I felt like she was starting to warm up to me, at least a little bit.  It was still bugging me that she would never come to my house, nor was I invited to hers.  She would text me numerous times a day, but made it clear we were just friends.

Today, we were meeting back at the park.  I saw some yellow wild flowers in some grass on my way and thought I would surprise her with one.  All I wanted was to brighten up her day! Well, that turned out to be a BIG mistake!  

I was sitting on the bench twirling the flower between my fingers.  She ran up from behind and knocked my cap off my head.  As I leaned down to pick up the cap, she jumped in front of me with the biggest smile on her face, as if to say "Ta Da!" Looking up, I saw the smile plummet from her face, faster than B24 Bomber with it's tail on fire and that's when it all exploded!

        "What is that?" she yelled at me.

       

        "What, this? A flower, I picked on the way!" I embarrassingly answered.

         "Why would you do that Tanner?" she asked harshly.

Why would I do that? I thought vigorously for what the right answer should be.  I couldn't understand why she was so upset.  Was she a tree hugger and I just killed one of nature's most beautiful creations? Or, was it me?  The thought of me liking her, made her sick to her stomach and I now ruined the best friendship I had going in this stupid town! I didn't know the answer so I said the first thing that popped into my head.

         "What?  It reminded me of my Mom, so I picked it.  She loved wild flowers and would take me for walks and we would bring home handfuls and decorate the house with them.  You got some kind of allergy or a hatred for flowers?" I said kind of snarky.  I was actually shocked as the words spew from my mouth.

I saw the tension drain from her face and shoulders and she smirked at me. 

     "Sorry, I just don't want you thinking you can give me flowers and be my boyfriend!" she answered in a half sarcastic way.

     "No, I saw a flower and I picked it! Really it's not a big deal, I don't know why you have to overreact all time! Sometimes I miss her and it makes me feel like she is still around" I rambled on.

Then I realized what I was saying was true.  Every time I saw wildflowers it did remind me of my Mom.  It made me happy and now I was upset with Alex for ruining that feeling for me.  I laid the flower on the bench and got up.  I started kicking the ground and felt tears welling up in my eyes.  I kept thinking "What the hell is happening?" I hadn't cried in years!  I hated how weak my father was, how he moped around all the time wallowing in his self pity.  I wasn't going to be like him.  I was strong and I spent almost 8 years showing him how much weaker he was than me.

Of course, in the beginning I would cry myself to sleep.  I kept wishing my dad would hear me and come tell me everything would be all right. That we still had each other.   Night after night as I lay there alone, I realized I was going to have to do this all by myself.  My anger towards him grew and I swore I would never be like him.  Now, as a tear rolled down my blushed cheek, I felt helpless against it.  The burning sensation in the back of my neck was growing and I just wanted to run and hide from my embarrassment.  I kept turning away from Alex as she kept moving toward me, patting my arm and apologizing.  I felt stupid and wanted to hide my face from her.  The tears were streaming now and I couldn't understand why. Was I really crying because it brought back memories of my Mom?  Or, was it that I really liked Alex and realized she didn't feel anything for me!  I didn't know, but I couldn't stop the tears and it was causing me to panic.  Every time I turned from her, she was back on me like glue.  

      "Stop looking at me!" I yelled.

I then flung myself back onto the bench, smashing the flower beneath me.  I buried my face into my hands.  I was crying! Crying like a baby in-front of the only girl I ever wanted to impress.  It would get around school and I would be the biggest loser...bigger than I already was.  I envisioned walking down the halls and everyone doing "crying hands."  To make things worse, I had no idea why or what I could do to make them stop.  Then, she sat next to me on the bench, placing her head on my bent over back.  She was cradling me and rubbing the back of my neck.  Between the tears, my eyes were darting around buried inside my hands.  "Was this really happening?  Was Alex hugging me?" I thought.  Thoughts were racing through my head, I heard "Dude you already ruined your life, you might as well enjoy the only hug she will ever give you."  So I did, I relaxed and let her continue to rub the back of my neck.  I could feel the embarrassment and tension start to fade. 

     "I'm so sorry Tanner. I'm always thinking of myself and forget other people have shit to deal with. I'm really sorry, please forgive me" she whispered as she moved closer to me. 

Now, her breathe gently flowed over my neck and then I felt what I could have sworn was a kiss. "Oh My GOD, did she just kiss the back of my neck? Holy shit!!" I thought, as my eyes opened wide staring at the inside of my hands.

I just stared into the dark of my hands, not knowing what to do next.  The tears were stopping, but I didn't want this moment to end. I felt so close to her, for once she didn't have this wall between us.

     "Are you okay?" she asked breaking the excitement going on inside me.

Slowly, I raised my head and wiped my face on my sleeve.

   

  "I'm fine, just an idiot" I responded.

   "Tanner, it's okay, you miss her.  I understand what it is like to lose something that you will never get back! It sucks, I get it! You don't have to be embarrassed" she said convincingly.  

I wondered what it was she had lost.  I looked toward her, but she was staring off into the distance.  She seemed to be thinking, possibly of her moment of loss.  I wondered what I should say, but then she caught me staring at her and turned abruptly in my direction.

     "Wanna walk?" she asked standing from the bench.

I stood and adjusted my baseball cap and wiped my face again.  As we started walking down the path, her hand gently touched mine. I didn't react.

     "I'm sorry if I hurt you" she said as she slowly entangled her fingers around mine.

We walked silently down the path.  I looked forward, afraid of disrupting the moment. It felt surreal.