Laney's Story

                                        

Here goes nothing!  I can't believe I'm doing this again.  Another new job and why?  Why am I always running from someone or something?

Every time I breathe in deeply, the cold air pierces my lungs like the tip of a knife.  My stomach is feeling queasy from the large amount of coffee floating in it.  As I sit, all I want is to be back in my warm bed and far away from the man who chases me in my thoughts.

Here I sit, in constant fear that he will appear in my peripheral vision and my life will no longer be my own.

I want to stand as people quickly walk past me because I don't want to be caught off guard.  My knees are weak and I keep thinking "He won't find you, you were careful!"

The train whistle blows loudly and I feel the cold air slap my face as the cars slow down.  I stand from the bench that gave me rest if only for a few minutes.

                                             

   

I wish I could walk outside, but it's just too cold today.  Plus, I feel safer with the lobby security man sitting over there.  I'm exhausted, I hate starting new jobs.  I really hate meeting new people, all those fake "Welcome, so glad you're here!"  "Where did you come from?"  How do I say "I came from hell, how about you?" without sounding a million different alarms.  Guess that would be bad, especially when I want to blend in and not tell my new co-workers I'm hiding from an abusive ex-boyfriend and just want to do my job and be left alone.

I love this window, the trees look so peaceful and the birds are all on high alert.  Ready to warn me of approaching danger.  "I wish!" Even while I was laying in a hospital bed recovering from the damage he did to me, I didn't feel safe.  "Do I really think moving a few towns over is going to protect me?"  "No" I'm just hoping I can buy some time to rethink my future, if I have a future.  He took so much from me, my self worth, my sense of security and now my ability to trust people.  I still have a hard time understanding all the lies he told me, and all the fake promises.  He was so great building me up, making me feel like I was the luckiest girl in the world.  By the time I realized the game had changed, I felt my life only mattered because he was in it and I had endured multiple beatings.  I use to think I was a smart, pretty girl.  I want to think that way again.  

My peaceful and calm stare out the window was just interrupted by a person sitting directly next to me on the bench.  I feel cold.

                                          

I heard it again, that voice..."Laney dear!"  Earlier she scared me half to death as I sat looking out the window during my lunch break.  "You're that new girl in my office right?" She gave me a mere heart attack when she interrupted my personal space.  I'll admit I'm on edge, but it's not everyday someone you met for two seconds on the grand office tour sits down right next to you and acts as though your best friends.  Here we sit once again, but now I'm finding comfort in her presence.  

"Are you waiting for a train dear?" she asked in a sugary sweet voice.  For a moment I wanted to say "No, I'm waiting for a bus and I can't understand why it's not coming!" Instead, I smiled and said "Switching problems, should be here soon!"  "Me too, we must take the same train, isn't that funny?"  

I looked at her, wanting to say "No, it's not funny, there is nothing funny about it!"  But, as I looked into her light blue eyes I saw a sparkle, a sparkle I hadn't experienced in a long time. She had this ability to lower the cold shield I carried in front of me for protection.  She kept talking and I was having trouble following her because I was captivated in the warmth she was giving off. It was almost like I was being wrapped in a nice warm blanket and I was enjoying it.  I smiled at her again as she told me she was sorry for bombarding me with questions.  "I'm just overwhelmed from my day, could you repeat?" I asked.

"I was just wondering where you got off, because I get off at Chesterton!" she said happily.

"Oh! That's where I get off too!" I said surprised.  

Well, you would have thought I just told her she won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, by the way she squealed with joy. I think I actually laughed out loud!  This sweet little woman had me mesmerized.  I was so consumed with her animation, that I almost missed her say "Dear, the train pulled in, we need to get on!"  

We got off the bench and walked toward the platform.  It was nice to relax and I liked having a friend to be with.

I was so happy when Janet offered to carpool to and from the train station.  It just made me feel safer.  I'd have a witness, someone who could call for help, someone with me from the minute I left my apartment, until I arrived home.  This sweet middle-aged woman was probably a false sense of security, but I liked her.  When I was in her presence, I just felt happy.  I liked feeling happy again.  Knowing she only lived blocks from my building added to my comfort level. 

When did my life take such a nose dive into hell?  I hated to think about it, but knew I needed to learn to recognize the signs, so I never make the same mistake again.  Janet talks of her son, the high school teacher and how she wants me to meet him.  I want to tell her why I am so afraid to meet anyone, even her son.  I can't, I cannot burden her with my screwed up troubles.  She is so kind and I know she would do whatever possible to help me. That wouldn't be fair, this was my mess.  I let Kevin in my life and it was my responsibility to keep him out of my life forever.

Janet is so reliable, I barely put my bag down on the bench when I hear a car pull up.

Hard to believe we were through another winter and I was no longer the "new" employee. Usually winter drags and spring seems to take forever to bloom.  I don't know if it was my new found friendship with Janet, or the fact that I was starting to relax once again, but it just seemed like time was flying by and most days I was feeling pretty happy.  Happiness, I almost didn't recognize it when a smile quietly appeared on my face. Janet and I had become fast friends and I really looked forward to talking with her every day. She was full of life, at a time when I was numb. Numb to feelings, numb to joy and numb to pain.  I had managed to delay the meeting she kept pushing for with her son.  I feared that I wouldn't be able to trust another guy and in the meantime, would destroy the relationship that we had developed. Janet was probably one of the nicest people I had ever met and I wasn't ready to give her up. She was stability in my otherwise volatile existence.  A reality born from a misjudgment, an illusion so deceiving that I fell deep into it's control and domination. The weight so heavy, that most days I'd longed to drown in the toxic defilement that was now my life.  My world had become so harrowing, that death would had been a relief.

On this particular day, I should have known Janet was up to something.  Especially, when she convinced me to ride into the city on a Saturday.  We worked in the city Monday thru Friday and the thought of traveling there on a Saturday, was something I didn't want to do. She was persistent and there we were riding the rails on a Saturday morning.  It became even more obvious when she kept walking past all these shops that I wanted to stop in.  "There will be plenty of other shops down this way" she tried convincing me!  "What is your hurry?" I asked.  Then it happened, I heard her squeal with delight as she yelled in a high pitch voice "David, oh my is that you?

"Hi Mom!" the man replied.  

"Laney dear, this is my son David" 

For a moment, I was angry.  I knew she had deceived me, and I didn't like being manipulated. My wounds were still tender to the touch. I composed myself and took David's outstretched hand.  As we shook hands, I wondered if he felt the trembling of my fingers in the grasp of his firm grip. Slowly, his grip weakened and I felt comfort in the strong, but gentleness of his hand. For a minute, I continued to hold his hand as if he transferred some mystical healing power.  Catching myself, I quickly pulled away and rambled "Nice to meet you, I've heard so much about you!"  He smiled and nervously played along with his mother that our meeting was a surprise.  I looked at Janet with a smug expression, letting her know the gig was up.  She stopped the charades and said I'm just so happy you could finally meet. 

David lifted some bags off the bench and we headed to a nearby restaurant.                

There would be about a 15 minute wait for a table and Janet took that time to excuse herself and head over to the ladies room.  I had just sat down at the lobby bench and thought it may seem too much like high school if I got up and followed her to the bathroom.  He would clearly recognize it, since he probably spent most days seeing groups of girls congregate in the women's restroom, talking about boys.  I didn't want him to think that was what we would be doing.  I remained seated for a few minutes, but then began to wonder why I even cared what he thought of me.  After all, I didn't want a relationship and I resented being tricked into meeting David at all.  

I started to get agitated again, when I heard him ask "So, how long have you been living in Chesterton?" I must have glanced in his direction rather harshly, because he continued "Sorry, Mom talks...a lot."  I think he even blushed and just like his mother, his smile lowered my defensive shields.  

"Not long," was all I answered as I reminded myself that Kevin was quite the charmer in the beginning.  I then began to wonder what else Janet had said about me.  Before I could reply anything else, she was back standing in front of us.  

"So, have you two been able to get acquainted?" she said in the sugary sweet voice I've come to recognize.  

"You were in the bathroom Mom! It's not like you have been gone that long!" David answered sounding a bit irritated.  

I think I smirked, because I found it entertaining to watch them banter back and forth.  Just when I thought I might join in, that plastic coaster lite up like an alien space ship and startled me back into reality.  

David and I rose from the bench and followed Janet into the dining area.

                       

Lately, I've been having this gnawing, uneasy feeling.  I couldn't exactly put my finger on it. When I made the decision to not press charges against Kevin, I knew I would always live in fear.  I knew the chance he would hunt me down and attack me was real.  I knew he would try to kill me.  My reasoning at the time to not press charges, was that I needed to get away from him.  I didn't want to ever see him again and I knew a trial would drag that out.  I also knew he would work to discredit, belittle and ultimately attempt to destroy me from the inside out.  He would use any weakness I had against me and trust me he knew them all. If I won, he would be locked away for only a few years, but he would get out eventually.  I knew Kevin, the time behind bars would have only fueled his anger, his desire to dominate and now it would be powered by more vengeance.  He wanted to control me, he wanted me to be his puppet. He held the strings and if I didn't react the way he wanted, I was punished. In his eyes, I was somehow his property and no one else would ever own what he believed was his, even me...my life was no longer mine.

I live with that decision every day. I know in some ways it made me even more of a coward and I knew Kevin reveled in that.  I should have probably moved across the country, but I had done that already.  My dad was never really in my life and I lost my mom a few years ago.  It had been just the two of us for so long and I wanted to experience a new life.  I thought I was ready, I believed I was a strong, independent woman.  So, after Mom died I traveled, looking for a new beginning.  I thought I had finally found it with Kevin, but I soon learned I wasn't even close to being prepared.  Over the past few months, I have continued the torment by internally beating myself up for being so stupid, for not protecting myself or others from him.  Therapy has helped explain something that was so foreign to me.  I've learned the signs, the manipulation, the lack of conscience and the narcissistic drive that fuels these people.  Before it happened to me, I just thought people made bad choices.  I thought this behavior would be obvious.  I learned it has nothing to do with being smart and sadly when you grow up trusting, you become an easy target.  Honestly, I think schools should start teaching the psychology of personality disorders along with sex education.  We are all searching for ourselves, but sadly we think we know everything.  That is until the rug is pulled out from under us and we realize we had no idea of the evil some people possess.
Now, I trust little and live constantly in fear...if you can call that living.  

I had anticipated this day for some time now, after all David had asked me to dinner on more than one occasion.  While Janet and I were sitting outside, enjoying our lunch break, she asked the question I had been dreading.  She wanted to know if I wasn't interested in her son, David.  I guess my list of excuses for not having dinner with him were becoming too apparent.  I wanted to tell her that he probably was the nicest guy I had ever met.  How we actually had so much in common and I truly enjoyed his company.  In addition, he truly seemed like great boyfriend material and I'll admit there was a physical attraction. Unfortunately, with those feelings being very strong, sadly my fear of relationships was greater.  I couldn't bring myself to say "Yes" when he politely asked me to dinner.  

I think my heart rose directly to my throat, because I couldn't speak, I was having trouble breathing. Janet looked concerned when she said "I'm so sorry dear, I didn't mean to put you on the spot!" As I looked at her, tears welled up into my eyes.  "It's okay dear, not everyone feels the same way towards another, I understand!" she continued. 

Quickly, I stood up from the bench and shouted "No, no, that's not it. It's me, it's not him!" Janet kept assuring me it was okay and it was making me anxious.  I could be losing the best thing I have in my life. "I'm scared, I'm just scared!" I yelled. 

"Scared of my David? Laney dear sit down and tell me why your scared" she responded.  I stood with tears streaming down my face. She took my trembling hands and pulled me toward the bench. I had opened Pandora's box and now struggled to pop the lid back on.  It wasn't going back on and I didn't know if I should just let it all out.

It had been about 2 weeks since I confided all the horrific details of my relationship with Kevin to Janet.  Once I started talking, it was like the flood gates opened and there was no stopping it.  The words were endless and overwhelming as Janet just sat holding my trembling hands for what seemed like hours.  When I was finished I was exhausted and my face and shirt drenches from tears.  I will never forget what Janet said to me that day, when she told me "Dear, you will never move forward in life if your past is still wrapped around your feet. It will hold you back and drag you down." She went on to tell me that we are not meant to walk through life alone and that God provides us with assistance in the form of good people who can help us carry our burdens until we can put them down and leave them behind forever.  I confessed my fear that Kevin would one day find and kill me.  I explained how I worried he would hurt or destroy anyone who may be in his way. She asked me why, if I was so afraid of him, did I not press charges, especially if I truly believed he would do what I was claiming.  

You see, after I was released from the hospital, I stayed at a wonderful safe home.  They helped me to get back on my feet and they helped me to recover and to be safe. Unfortunately, I thought back to other women like myself who lost their life when a restraining order failed to protect them.  I felt that maybe if I just disappeared, he wouldn't waste his time looking for me.  At the time I felt alone and just wanted to get as far away from Kevin as I could.  That was the route I chose, I know deep down I should have pressed charges, because if he wasn't coming after me, he most likely would be destroying some other women's life.  I felt guilty for that. After my physical wounds healed, I started working on my emotional ones.  Unfortunately, those wounds were deeper and harder to heal.  This was the choice I made months ago, and I hoped that as time passed, if I just flew under the radar, stayed off the grid, maybe just maybe he wouldn't find me.  I never planned on making friends, I was just trying to get on my feet and save some money, until I could come up with my next plan.  

Meeting Janet and definitely meeting David was never on my to do list. Now, I wondered how in the world I had ever agreed to spend a beautiful Sunday afternoon strolling through the botanical gardens with David.  We had managed to walk for about an hour, just making small talk about the gardens.  It wasn't until we stopped and sat on a bench deep in the flower gardens that realized how much I liked him.  He was kind and funny and like his mother, he wasn't afraid to be my friend.  Spending time with him made me forget about my past. We spent the rest of the day talking and learning about each other and the more we talked the lighter I felt.  That huge weight I was dragging around my ankles was loosening and I didn't feel so tired any more. I was beginning to feel free.

Out of the Black and into the Blue and White

My Tale from a Bench

Out of the Black and into the Blue and White

By Mary Ellen Bogucki

When raising a child with Autism, the highs and lows can be extreme.  This particular time was very difficult and one that had me greatly concerned.  

My middle daughter, Kailey was starting college four hours away from home.  In all the excitement of getting Kai ready, I failed to notice the depression my youngest, ASD daughter, Bree was slipping into.  Bree was starting her sophomore year in high school and her older sister was her best friend, her safe person.  Kailey was the one who taught Bree how to play, who kept her constantly engaged when Bree was stimming. Who shared a room with her and was there for Bree no matter what happened.  The transition of her sister leaving was greater than I imagined and Bree began to withdraw from the outside world.  Every day was a battle to get her to school and every evening I arrived home from work to find her asleep.  Doing homework and even eating became a challenge. Never experiencing depression before, I was at a loss as to how to help her.  After months of no improvement and the emergence of panic attacks, our Pediatrician recommended a wonderful therapist and our battle to overcome situational depression and anxiety began.

Now, if you know Bree you know she moves at a very slow pace.  A sense of urgency is non-existent in Bree’s world.   Being a teen, she also chooses to move slower when my instructions include the word “hurry.”  So, you can imagine my surprise, when only a few weeks after starting therapy, Bree came home and announced she had joined the high school track team!  My first thought was humor, “Have they met Bree?”  Really, her only high school detention was for being late to class….repeatedly!  I appreciated the fact that a friend was encouraging Bree to be part of the team, but figured this would be short-lived.  

Then my panic set in, Bree wasn’t quitting!  We were finally seeing a glimmer of the old Bree the one before her sister left.  Now, she was adding more to her plate and I worried the every day practices would add anxiety and send her spiraling backwards.  I wanted to keep her away from the black hole she finally was climbing out of and my fear of quicksand became a real threat.  “What if she gets pulled back down?” Bree talked about how hard track was and she was exhausted, but she wouldn’t quit.  “She can’t go back!”  Depression is real and it’s horrible and I didn’t think we could do it again!”  I feared, “What if I can’t do it again? What if I couldn’t pull her out this time?”

I did what I thought was best; I reached out to the Head Coach (Anderson) and asked him not to encourage her.  I explained her anxiety and how this was going to be too much for her.  He assured me she had a spot on the team and he would make Bree his Manager if that was what I wanted.  He didn’t want to see her quit and I was overwhelmed by his kindness.  “Manager, that’s a good plan!” I thought.  If this coach is being nice enough to let her stay, it would be wrong of me to tell her she had to quit.  

Well, that lasted as long as the first meet.  Bree came home and said “I don’t want to be Manager; I want to participate, I WANT TO RUN!”  Again, my panic set in.  Again, I shot an email off to Coach Anderson.  “Please don’t encourage my daughter to run!”  By now I am sure he was convinced I was the one with an issue, not Bree.  But, again he humored me and told me not to worry, Bree would be fine.  I thought, “How could he be so confident? How can I trust someone who barely knows her?”  After all, he didn’t know her history or what we had been through.

The day of her first meet arrived and I will admit I was relieved when I couldn’t leave work in time to see her run.  I couldn’t bear to see her fail, it would break my heart.  She called me from the bus and proudly told me “I did it, I ran for the team!  Mom, I’m on a high school team and I did it!”  Slowly I asked, “How did you do?”  Proudly, she announced “I came in last, BUT everyone was so proud of me!  They said I did GREAT!”  She was happy!  She was happy?  She told me how the coaches were proud of her, how her teammates were proud of her and she was proud of herself!  With tears in my eyes, I thought “I am the one with the issue!”  I am spending so much time protecting Bree, that I missed the fact that she is capable of so much more than I give her credit for!”

As the season progressed, Bree moved up a spot.  She was no longer last, but second from last and then third from last.  I remember standing on the side of the track watching her cover her ears, afraid of the sound of the gun going off.  I remember a pit in my stomach as she went to the back of the crowd to start the race.  Why is my daughter putting herself through this, she hates loud noises and she hates crowds.  “Why?”  The answer didn’t come immediately.  

That was almost two years ago.  Bree not only stayed on the high school track team, she joined the cross country team too.  Again, I was like “Are you kidding me, what time do we need to be at the high school on Saturday morning?”  You see, while I was over here doing my complaining and worrying, Bree was over there working with some pretty amazing people.  They were four coaches who we now see as angels on earth.  They took Bree out of the Black and put her into the Blue and White…her school track uniform.  Now in her senior year, Bree went from running last to becoming an alternate on the girl’s varsity cross country team.  “Why?  Why was she doing this?”  Bree was doing this because for once in her mainstreamed life she was ACCEPTED.  It no longer mattered if she had Autism and was different.  She was part of a team and they liked her!  Their support, encouragement and friendship gave her the determination and motivation to improve and rise above any challenges she faced along the way.  Being a part of the team filled a void and pushed the darkness farther and farther away.  Now, the black hole is only a past memory, one we thankfully grew from.

I learned many valuable lessons over those two years. A good friend of mine often asks “Who is driving the bus?” I learned it doesn’t always have to be me and it is okay to trust others and let my daughter grow.  I learned I need to listen to my daughter more, she knows herself better than I do.  I learned winning doesn’t always mean being number one.  Some of the greatest wins happen during the race and not when the first person crosses the finish line.  I learned on the road of life the journey can be more important than the destination. I learned to appreciate every gift of kindness you receive, because it just may change your life.  I learned getting up early on my day off can actually be a lot of fun!  Most of all, I learned that angels really do walk on earth sometimes disguised as coaches and to never underestimate the power of kindness.  

Robert's Story

                                                

I don't understand why I have to be a part of this decision anyway.  My opinion never matter to him and if he thinks I like it, he will hate it for sure. 

"What's that crap you're playing?  You honestly think someone will pay to hear that?" his words still sting today.  "Hey old man, people pay a lot of money to hear me play!  He never understood me or my obsession with music.  He was a butcher, all he knew were cuts of meat and knives.  He worked the typical work day and expected everyone else to be on his schedule.  Well, that doesn't happen when the gig your playing doesn't even start until 10 pm.

"Where the hell is my sister!"  She is famous for making these plans and then showing up an hour late. As I started to look around the courtyard, I wondered if my father would ever step outside this building again.  He and my mother loved the little house they retired in.  It was perfect for them.  Then mom got sick and Dad took care of her.  It was the one time I actually saw my father vulnerable.  When it came to me, my mother was always making up excuses for him.  "Your father doesn't understand music, now if you played football or baseball, that he would understand" she would say.  "He doesn't have to understand to support me" I'd tell her. 

Eventually, I just stopped talking to him and my visits were pretty infrequent.  Ever since my mother passed, Dad's dementia or Alzheimer's seemed to really accelerate.  Now, I live with the guilt of not being around a lot for Mom and now Dad struggles to remember me. Although, he still gets agitated when he sees me, so I'm thinking he remembers more then he's letting on.

"Finally, what the hell took you so long?" I asked my sister Jess.  "The baby spit up all over me, right when I was dropping her off at the sitter. I had to go back home and change" she snapped back at me.  With matched anger, I replied "You never heard of a phone?" "Obviously more than you, I texted you a half hour ago jerk face!" she said in her 10 year old little sister voice.

I got up from the bench and glanced at my phone to see the big glaring #1 sitting next to the message icon.  "Shit!" I mumbled under my voice as we walked toward the "Sunny Days Assisted Living" facility and I already knew Dad was going to hate it here!




                                    

Angrily, I said "I don't understand why you can never arrive on time!"  Shoving my niece onto my lap, my sister Jess shouted back "You need to help out more Robert!  I can't do this alone anymore!"  

By now, Jess was running back toward the parking lot, as my nephew was making a bee line toward a school bus that was idling.  I love my sister's kids, but there is something not right with that boy.

My attention was immediately replaced by my niece rubbing her saliva soaked fingers across my unshaven face.  "Feels kinda rough huh?" I asked the baby as if I was expecting a response.

She smiled and continued touching my cheek.  "You're lucky I like you!" I told her as I wiped the baby dribble from my cheek with my sleeve.

Now, I could hear my nephew screaming in one of his usual tantrums.  I turned to see my sister carrying him kicking and screaming.   As she struggled I found myself glued to the park bench, unable to move even though my brain said “Go help her you bum!”

She sat next to me cradling Joey as if she was putting a cover on a bowling pot of water.  He continued to bubble all over the place, shooting arms and legs in every direction.  The other parents at the park starred in discontent. 

Feeling uncomfortable I asked “What’s his problem, why is he always so upset?” 

Grabbing him to keep him on her lap she looked at me with tears in her eyes, “Do you think this is fun for me?” With pain on her face she leaned toward me and said “My life is a major disaster and I’m doing the best that I can!  Roy moved out 2 weeks ago and I am literally on the verge of losing my mind!  You’re going to have to step up and take on Dad, because if I have one more thing to deal with, you may be raising two kids!”

She abruptly got up off the bench and flung Joey over her shoulder.  He was finally settling down as she headed back toward the parking lot.  I looked at my niece, Chloe and said “I guess this is our clue to leave!”  I stood from the bench and waved “Hi” to some of the women who continued to stare at us.  In a sarcastic tone I shouted “Nothing to see here, everyone has a bad day once in awhile!”  I felt my face turn red with embarrassment as I walked toward the car.  My thoughts immediately turned back to my poor sister and how I needed to be there for her, like she was always there for everyone else.

                                     

The more time I spend with my father, the more sorry I feel for him.  Ever since my mother passed away, I feel as though her family is falling apart.  First, it was Dad's dementia and now my sister's marriage.  Jess finally admitted that Joey has been a strain for her and her husband.  She wanted Joey tested for Autism, but my brother-in-law thinks she just is babying him too much.  They can't agree on how to handle his outbursts and they fight all the time. So, one night in the heat of an argument he left and hasn't come home since.  

"I hope they call us soon, Margaret can't be alone for very long" my father said looking worried.  I could explain that my mother, Margaret is dead, but when I do, he cries as if he loses her all over again.  I can't watch his heart break another time, so I say "No worries pa, Jess is with Mom.  She's in good hands!"  He smiles and said "Oh yes, Jess!"

We sat silent for a few minutes and then he looked at me angrily and asked "Are you working yet, or are you still playing that devil's music?"  

For the first time ever, I didn't get mad!  I actually laughed out loud and said "No pa, no more devil music, I have a good job!" 

"Yeah, a good job, doing what?" he asked almost knowing I was lying about the devil's music.

Now, I needed to think quick, what job would dad find respectable for his only son to have? Without wasting another minute, I shot back "Don't you remember pa, I'm a doctor?"  

A doctor? A doctor? What in God's name possessed me to say a doctor?  It must have been all those years of playing the devil's music...I'm damned!  Not only am I lying to my father, but my lies are horrible! 

He looked around as people in lab coats walked passed.  "You a doctor like them?" he asked shoving his thumb in the direction of some passing people.

"Well, I don't know about them" I said trying to buy myself a few minutes to come up with a story.  Just then a nurse opened the door and called my dad's name.  If I am lucky in a few minutes he will forget what I just said and this bad charade will be over.

"Come on pa, that's you" I said grabbing his arm and helping him up off the bench.  

As we walked through the door, he announced "This is my son Robert, he's a doctor you know!"  

The nurse turned back in my direction and I held my finger to my mouth as to say "Quiet!" I quickly shook my head no.  She smiled and replied "You must be so proud!"

"Why are you sitting out here?' Jess asked.  

I told her, "I heard you with the kids and didn't want to disrupt the bedtime ritual.  I know how much Joey needs his rituals!"  

She sat down on the bench next to me and started to cry.  She began, "It's so hard Robert! I feel like I've lost everything.  When Roy told me he wanted to sell the house and get a divorce, I think my heart stopped beating.  I couldn't breathe, it was like someone shoved my head under water and was holding me down.  I knew that moving wasn't going to be easy, especially for Joey, but having strangers constantly coming in and out of the house wasn't any easier.

"Roy's a piece of crap, you know I never did like him?" I told Jess.

Watching her in all this pain, made me want to hurt him.  

There were times I wished I had chosen a normal job, where I wasn't always away from home.  Although, having been home for the last few months, I was getting antsy.  I had owned this town home for years. When I was going to be on the road for long stretches of time, I rented it out.  It just seemed the easiest answer for Jess and the kids.  Had we known Roy was going to walk out on his family, we could have not sold our parents house.  Jess and the kids could have moved there.  I even offered to pay the mortgage for Jess on her and Roy's house, but she didn't want to stay there.  It was just too much work for her to handle on her own.  

I was staying most nights with Jess, just to help her out with the kids.  I took over running dad to his various doctor appointments.  The band and I were doing some local shows and some studio work, but I wasn't sure how long I could continue to prolong this visit.  We had some major gigs coming up and if I was going to continue making a living playing music, I needed to get back to it!

We remained sitting on the porch bench, not saying a word.  It reminded me of when we were kids and we would lay on the grass and stare up at the stars.  We didn't talk, we'd just lie there in complete peacefulness.  Now, this moment was peaceful too, so different from the chaos that existed most minutes of every hour. I took a deep breath and prayed it wouldn't end.

I knew the peacefulness couldn't last forever, but I was hoping we'd get maybe a day! It's pretty sad when the way I choose to escape Joey's daily screaming fits is to go visit my dad. Jess has had it with my escapes and today she basically let me know it.  Joey was screaming and thrashing around for some unknown reason as usual.  As I started to gather my car keys, she threw Joe's shoe at me. As I turned to see why I was getting pummeled with children's footwear, I saw it!  The despair in her eyes stopped me cold. I froze watching her try and keep her son from hurting himself, while protecting herself from repeated blows to her body.  By now Chloe had stopped playing and was crying too.  "Don't just stand there, do something" my sister yelled at me with tears streaming down her face.  I walked toward her and she yelled again "Not him, Chloe! Why don't you take Chloe for a walk or something."  I turned toward Chloe and the baby immediately put up her arms for me to pick her up.  "Poor kid, she wants to escape as much as I do" I thought.  As I walked toward the door to leave, Jess yelled "Take a bottle, she probably needs one and the diaper bag too!"  

I deliberately avoided committed relationships, raising kids wasn't my thing. I realized that early on when my serious girlfriend of 3 1/2 years kept mentioning how many kids we would have one day.  Each time she mentioned it, the thought of ending our relationship became the only thing I could think about.  The person I thought I was in love with, who I wanted as my wife, was now someone I dreaded coming home to.  Eventually, I couldn't fake it anymore, and she realized I wasn't who she thought I was.  After-all, she made her plans clear from the beginning.  I was the one who pretended like I wanted the same things, until it became obvious I didn't.  

We didn't get far into our walk, when Chloe started crying again.  I walked to the front of the stroller and handed her the bottle.  Her little hands reached up towards me again. "No, I am not carrying you and pushing this stroller too!" I told her as if she would say "Fine!"  I struggled like the amateur I am.  Then I heard a voice say "Do you need help or something?"  I looked up to find a teenage girl sitting on a bench a few feet a head of where I was making a fool out of myself.  "It's my niece, I'm not really good at this" I told her in hopes of not looking like the loser I was.  "Here, go sit on the bench with her and I will push the stroller over" she said smirking.  I knew she was thinking "What an idiot he is!!"

Now I was sitting on the bench, but Chloe was still crying.  "Do you have something to make her happy?" the girl asked looking in the stroller.  "Here" she said handing me the bottle and baby blanket. "She's probably tired, lay her back and maybe she will go to sleep!" she continued. Chloe began drinking and running the blanket through her fingers. She did this for a few minutes, before she drifted off to sleep.  I just held her close, smelling her baby scent and feeling amazed at how sweet she looked in my arms.  The girl laughed quietly and said "They're not that scary once you figure out what they want." I looked up at her as she sat next to me on the bench. "I do my share of babysitting" she said smiling. "Tell me everything you know about babysitting!" I said loudly.  Chloe immediately startled and began to cry again. The girl rubbed her head and whispered "Give her the bottle again!" Chloe took a few sips and fell back to sleep.  "Whisper around sleeping children" she said in a soft but sarcastic tone.  She smiled and got up from the bench.  A teenage boy had approached and it was obvious, that was who she was waiting for.  "After she's been asleep for a little bit, try and lay her in the stroller, maybe you can continue your walk!" she told me sympathetically.  "Thanks for your help" I whispered as I recognized the boy.  He gave me a head nod to show his acknowledgement.

I kept thinking Jess would have been better just taking Joey by herself.  When Roy cancelled claiming he couldn't get off work, I pleaded that I would stay home with Chloe, that she should just go.  That didn't go over too well, she completely fell apart. She was already dealing with the fact that her soon to be ex-husband was a douche bag, I couldn't have her believing it was the whole male species.  Although, I was starting to think maybe it was. Maybe that's the reason we don't get pregnant.  Here my poor sister had to take her oldest child for an Autism evaluation and all I wanted was to get out of going. I was so pissed at Roy for this, Joey wasn't my kid, he was his!  I deliberately chose to be non-committal, no wife, no kids!  I didn't want to deal with all this...."Damn it!" I thought shaking my head and rolling my eyes.  My sobbing sister had locked her arms around both my legs.  All she kept saying was "Please help me."  It was obvious I wasn't getting away and now I felt even worse for ever wanting to.  

I bent down and said "Stop, fine I'll go.  Just stop crying and get up off the floor."  She immediately jumped up and hugged me so hard that I almost fell backwards.   "Do something with yourself" I told her as I straighten my tear soaked pant legs.  She ran out of the room and I found myself starring at Joey, as he sat glued to the TV.  The only time the boy was happy was when those talking trains were on.  He would always have one of those engines in his hands.  I wondered how she planned to get him out of the house, now that he was fixated on the TV.   

Jess spent the next few minutes running from one room to the other.  Before I knew it, she handed me a diaper bag and Chloe.  "Could you put her in the car while I get Joey?" she asked. "Sure!" I answered, relieved I didn't have to pry Joey away.  

As I sat in the car waiting for her to come out, I imagined I'd hear screaming pretty soon. Surprisingly, the car door opened and she put Joey into his car seat.  I turned back to see how she managed to leave without a meltdown.  Then I saw the tablet in his hands and I heard those trains again.  "Hello Thomas"..."Hello Percy"  Yep, there was no escape, those trains were coming with us. 

We dropped Chloe off at the sitter and were now sitting on a bench in a kid friendly waiting room.  There were little chairs and tables with toys all around.  Joey never saw them, he was still obsessed with his tablet.  Jess managed to move Joey from the house to the hospital pretty amazingly.  As long as he had that video playing, he wasn't paying attention to anything else.  Then the door opened and they called his name.  Jess attempted to put the tablet away, but Joey immediately released a blood curdling scream. "Let him have it, at least until we get inside!" I said panicking a bit.  She handed him back the tablet and said "You can watch it, but follow momma!"  He climbed off the bench, never breaking his gaze from the screen.  Occasionally, I would even see a small smile form when one of the engines said something that he must have thought funny.  Whenever I saw that smile, it made me smile.  He wasn't happy often, so when he was, it made me happy.  As we entered a room with two-way mirrors, I wondered if all Autism evaluations involved trains, or just Joey's.  I also wondered who would be watching us from the other side.

I felt horrible leaving Jess, especially since she just received the diagnosis that Joey is on the Autism spectrum. Unfortunately, the band had a small tour that we needed to show up for and with Dad settled in at Sunny Days Assisted Living, it was time to get back to work. I was hoping our neighbors could give her a hand if needed, Tanner seemed like a sweet kid and his dad has been pretty helpful, especially since Roy rarely shows up to see his kids. It was the fastest divorce, of course Roy will pay child support and some alimony, but didn't really care much about visitation. I am not a family man, but if you make a kid, you're a dad and should act like one! Jess and Roy were married for 6 years, Joey and Chloe were planned. It makes no sense to me, except he is punishing Jess for going through with the evaluation. He didn't want his kid labeled and now Joey has started a special pre-school where he will get some therapies to help him. Roy doesn't care that Joey's getting help, it's that he is different that bothers him. I know Jess already is seeing an improvement and is feeling more empowered and hopeful. It is great to see her smile and not crying all the time. 

  

Tanner's Story

                                          

"This sucks so bad!  I totally hate everyone here!  Really, you think I can't feel you starring a hole into the side of my face?"  

"Yep, we are moving again son!"  

"Thanks Dad!  Appreciate it!"  

I keeping sitting here thinking about how much you are ruining my life.  Just once I wish my dad would consider my feelings.  He's not the only one hurting here.  Starting over new doesn't erase the fact that she existed.  Just once I wish he would realize I loved her too. She was my mother!  

Baseball, I can actually hit something and feel good about it.  Actually, baseball is the one thing I can do somewhat well.  At least I felt that way in Kenton. Kenton, home of the "Flying Eagles!"  I miss Kenton, a least they had a cool mascot.  I've only been here for 3 weeks and I hate it already!

Dad likes to divert himself to keep his thoughts of mom buried.  He dumped his feelings into the grave that day and every time they come to the surface we move.  A week after my mothers funeral, we moved to Turnberry.  We were there less then six months.  It doesn't help that he can't leave me behind too. Unfortunately, if he chose to leave me behind it would be abandonment!  So, six months in Turnberry, dad broke the lease and dropped me off in Wellington with my grandparents.  

Dad wanted to get away from anything that could remind him of my mother and that included me.  Don't get me wrong, my father loves me, but I remind him a lot of my mother and he wants nothing more than to forget his loss.  I was eight when I started school in Wellington.  It was a small farming town and there weren't many of us that went to school there.  I had made a few friends and was just starting to settle in, when my dad showed up one Saturday to pick me up.  He was excited, he had a new job and I guess he thought he could see me again.  Off we went!

We lasted pretty long in Ashburg.  I think it was maybe a whole school year.  My teachers, the school social worker kept telling him "It's not good to keep uprooting the boy!"  I barely remember all the towns we lived in, but I liked it in Kenton.  We lasted there the longest, almost four years.  My dad seemed to be happy and for me they were four important years. I had made some stable friends and really found myself playing baseball.  I knew my competition and I knew I could beat it! 

Here in Chesterton, I felt like an outsider and I knew I didn't belong.  

I turned my head to vaguely hear "Tanner!"  My eyes met a freckle faced kid as he loudly announced "Loser, your up!"

I got off the bench and walked out of the dugout.  My tryouts for the Chesterton Yellow Jackets just began.  "Who the hell wants to be a Yellow Jacket anyway?"  Everyone but me!

                                                         

Every time I turned around that stupid freckled face kid was there again.  He didn't talk to me, he just lurked, staring at me.  Finally, I had enough of it, when he sat down next to me on the bench.  Before I could open my mouth I felt a shove from my other side.  I was being sandwiched between two wannabes or what my dad called "posers."  

"Really Dad, I don't think anyone uses that word anymore" I would tell him.  

But, now these two were just getting on my nerves. 

"So Tanner, you need to choose sides!" said the freckled face kid giving me a shove.  

"It's us or them, whose it gonna be?" said the other one. 

"Think about it and get back to us" ole freckled face said as he punched me in the shoulder while getting up.  The two of them walked down the hall slapping and shoving each other.  I must have looked confused, because I heard a voice say "Their harmless...idiots, but harmless idiots!"  When I turned in the direction of the voice, I saw a girl sitting across the hall next to an open locker.

"Who are they?" I asked.  

"Ben and Nick" the girl said.  I just stared at her and she seemed uncomfortable.  She started pulling her books together and stood up.  

"They just want what everyone wants, to fit in" she said closing her locker.  

"Is that what you want?" I asked.  

"I want to disappear" she said walking away.

"Hey, what's your name?" I shouted.

She just kept walking.  I jumped off the bench and started after her.  

"Hey, wait up!" I yelled again.  Just then I was yanked backwards by the hood of my sweatshirt.  The force of the pull choked me a little and I stumbled to remain on my feet.




                                                 

I kept hoping if I sat here long enough she would walk past.  I don't understand this school. I didn't get what made me an immediate target?  Granted moving in mid-school year didn't help.  But, I could always count on my favorite duo to show up.  Just then my hat

was knocked off my head as one of them plopped down next to me on the bench.

"Come on Nick, we are hear to congratulate our buddy Tanner!" the freckled face kid said bending down to get my hat.  "I'm Ben and that's Nick, we wanted to congratulate you on making the team!" he said holding out my hat in front of me.  

Without breaking my stare, I grabbed the hat from his hand.  "So the list is up huh?  Guess that explains why I was randomly choked in the hallway!" I said.  

"Who was it?" Ben asked.

I shrugged an "I don't know!"

"I bet I know" he said looking toward Nick.  They both started laughing and said "I knew he'd be pissed he didn't make the team.  Don't sweat it, he wasn't any good anyway!"

I continued to watch for her and really wished my new friends would leave.  Then I saw her, but so did they.  Nick jumped off the bench and followed Ben in the direction of the girl.  I heard Ben say "Hey Alex wait!"

"Leave me alone Ben!" she said as she continued to walk past him.  

"I just wanted to know if you needed a ride!" he said as he stopped and watched her walk away.

She looked at me and rolled her eyes.  I jumped up and hurried to catch up with her.  

"I'm Tanner, what's your name?" I asked trying to keep her pace.

Suddenly she stopped and said "Look Tanner, I'm sure you are a great guy, but I'm not looking for any new friends!"  She turned away and started running through the parking lot.

By now Ben and Nick were standing next to me and we all were starring in the direction that she ran.  

"Something happened. I don't know what, but she changed.  She's been my neighbor my whole life and now it's like we are complete strangers.  It just doesn't make sense" Ben said almost sounding depressed.

The three of us stood still, watching her continue to weave in between parked cars.  I wondered what her story was.

Hitting me in the arm, Ben asked "Want a ride?" 

Rubbing my shoulder,  I said "Yeah" in hopes of seeing where Alex lived.  I couldn't understand why I wanted to know her so badly, but I wasn't ready to give up.

I spent many, many days sitting on Ben's deck just hoping, maybe Alex would come over and hang out with us.  By this point, I had become pretty good friends with Ben and Nick. They had their obnoxious moments, but they really weren't that bad.  We were together a lot due to baseball.  It seemed like the only time I saw Alex was when she walking into her next class.  Even hanging out near her locker wasn't very successful.  I told myself, "Dude, stop being so creepy and move on!  She doesn't want anything to do with you!"

Things at home were getting better though.  My dad seemed to be happy with his new job and the duplex next store had some new occupants living there. Originally, it seemed vacant but recently, some lady and her two little kids moved in.  I found my dad talking to the woman and even helping her from time to time. It was weird.  He had become a hermit after my mom died.  He really didn't talk to anyone, including me.  He'd sit at the table and read the newspaper, or he would lay on his bed watching TV.  Now, he would stick his head in my room every night and ask if every thing was okay.  The first night he did that, I asked "What do you mean?"  I had no idea what he was asking about.  

"You know, you? Your life?" he replied.  

I wanted to say "You're asking me now?  You haven't talk to me in like 7 years, why now?" 

In two years I will be 18 and probably out of his house.  Why even bother, I thought. All I replied was "I'm fine, thanks for asking!"

Sadly, I missed the guy, so many times over the years I had wished he would care about me just a little bit.  Don't get me wrong, I always had clean clothes, food to eat and a place to live.  I appreciated that, but I really wanted my dad.  I wanted to play catch outside with him. I wanted to watch the football game or go to a movie now and then. I just wanted to be with him.  Depending on where we were living, my grandparents, aunts and/or uncles would attempt to visit at least a few times a month.  I got use to doing those things with them and stopped expecting my dad to change.  The shitty thing was, we used to be a family. We were always going places and doing things together.  I remember playing cars on the floor with my dad.  My mother was always happy, my parents were happy, I was happy!   Until we weren't.  I don't really remember the exact moment our lives changed.  It was before my mother died, it must of been when she first got sick.  

One day, I remember her crying and telling my grandmother how much she had wanted me to have a brother or sister and how now it wouldn't happen.  I remember my grandma telling her "There's always adoption."  I didn't really know what that meant back then.  I just knew my mom wasn't as happy as she used to be.  I wondered why I wasn't enough for her.  Why she was sad that I wouldn't have a brother or sister.  I never asked her.  She was always going to the hospital and she was always not feeling well.  Everyone told me I needed to let her rest.  That's when I got sad.  I just wanted to be a family again.

This new dad was odd and to be honest, I didn't know how to handle it.  I was afraid that just like when I was living some where I liked, we would move.  I was afraid if I got use to talking to him, he may stop again.  If that happened, I might hate him and I didn't want to hate him. After all, he was my dad, he was all I had.

Life was just getting weirder by the minute.  Dad asked me to go clothes shopping with him. He wanted some new "outfits"...."Outfits??? WTH!!"  He needed more than new clothes if he was going to impress this lady, so I agreed to go help him pick some "outfits" out. I had no idea who this man was that I was living with, but I knew he definitely was not my father!  

Now, he wanted to take me to lunch and I couldn't hide the bewilderment that was stamped across my face.  I think I made him uncomfortable, because he told me to go sit on the bench while he put his packages in the car.  That's when I saw her!  Walking towards the restaurant with her eyes locked on the ground was Alex.  I kept praying she would look up and see me sitting there. "Look up, look up, look up" I kept thinking in my head.  I kept squirming from side to side, hoping to catch her attention.  I even fake coughed with no results!  When she was directly in front of me I shouted "Hi Alex, how are you?"  Startled, she shot her head up and said "Oh hey Tanner!"  I jumped up, excited she remembered my name.  "Where's the other two stooges?" she inquired. That made me laugh and smirking I told her "I'm here with my Dad!"  "Oh" she said and for the first time she made eye contact with me that lasted more than a few seconds.  I was really enjoying seeing her eyes and just when I got enough courage to speak, my Dad arrived.  He proceeded to awkwardly put his arm around me and then said "Son, whose your friend?"

To my surprise, Alex held out her hand and said "Nice to meet you Tanner's Dad! I am Alex, your son and I go to school together!" I stood watching these two people converse as if they were old friends.  I wanted to talk to each of them for so long, and here they were chatting it up, while I stood dumbfounded and looking stupid.  

Tanner and I are grabbing some lunch, would you like to join us? my Dad asked. "I was just getting something quick" she responded.  "I insist Alex!  Tanner and I would love your company" my dad said convincingly.  

Next thing I knew I was sitting across the table from Alex and had absolutely nothing to say!

It was weird, Alex would talk for hours to me over text, but the minute we were in person she acted like she didn't know me.  I couldn't figure her out, but I wanted to keep trying.  I was shocked when she agreed to meet me at a walking path near my subdivision.  It usually was packed with couples, dog walkers and families with strollers.  I thought "Why there?" but was just happy she at least agreed to meet me.  

When I arrived at the chosen bench, I was bummed to see her sitting with a man and his kid. Of course she wouldn't be alone, it seems she avoids every chance for that to happen. To my surprise, I actually recognized the guy she was with.  He owned the townhouse next to mine, where he lived with his sister and her kids.  His sister is the woman my dad was infatuated with.  Now, he was talking to the girl I was crushing on. "What's this guy's deal?" I thought looking to blame my misfortune on someone else.

I nodded in acknowledgement that I recognized him.  

     

     "You're my neighbor right?" he asked.  

     "Yeah, I'm Tanner!  My dad and I live next door to you and your sister" I responded. 

     "That's right" he said shaking his head yes.  

     "So, you guys know each other?" I asked pointing toward him and Alex.  

Surprisingly, they both responded with a quick "No!" Looking confused, Robert, as I just found out was his name, clarified that "She was helping me out with my niece, I'm clueless" he said laughing quietly.  

     "I'm Alex, I'm glad I could help" Alex responded with a gesture for a handshake towards Robert. 

Rising from the bench to shake her hand, he softly responded "Well, maybe I'll try and put her down as you suggested."   

     "Gently" Alex said in a whisper.  

Robert whispered back "I got it!"  The baby didn't wake, so Robert softly waved and slowly headed down the path.  

Alex and I stared at each other for a moment and then she moved to sit on the bench.  I quickly followed and sat next to her.  Immediately, she jumped up and said "Let's walk!" She chose the direction that Robert was headed in and I wondered what she was so afraid of me. 

Alex and I were finally beginning to hang out at school.  She would swing by my locker after 5th period and we would walk to lunch together.  I felt like she was starting to warm up to me, at least a little bit.  It was still bugging me that she would never come to my house, nor was I invited to hers.  She would text me numerous times a day, but made it clear we were just friends.

Today, we were meeting back at the park.  I saw some yellow wild flowers in some grass on my way and thought I would surprise her with one.  All I wanted was to brighten up her day! Well, that turned out to be a BIG mistake!  

I was sitting on the bench twirling the flower between my fingers.  She ran up from behind and knocked my cap off my head.  As I leaned down to pick up the cap, she jumped in front of me with the biggest smile on her face, as if to say "Ta Da!" Looking up, I saw the smile plummet from her face, faster than B24 Bomber with it's tail on fire and that's when it all exploded!

        "What is that?" she yelled at me.

       

        "What, this? A flower, I picked on the way!" I embarrassingly answered.

         "Why would you do that Tanner?" she asked harshly.

Why would I do that? I thought vigorously for what the right answer should be.  I couldn't understand why she was so upset.  Was she a tree hugger and I just killed one of nature's most beautiful creations? Or, was it me?  The thought of me liking her, made her sick to her stomach and I now ruined the best friendship I had going in this stupid town! I didn't know the answer so I said the first thing that popped into my head.

         "What?  It reminded me of my Mom, so I picked it.  She loved wild flowers and would take me for walks and we would bring home handfuls and decorate the house with them.  You got some kind of allergy or a hatred for flowers?" I said kind of snarky.  I was actually shocked as the words spew from my mouth.

I saw the tension drain from her face and shoulders and she smirked at me. 

     "Sorry, I just don't want you thinking you can give me flowers and be my boyfriend!" she answered in a half sarcastic way.

     "No, I saw a flower and I picked it! Really it's not a big deal, I don't know why you have to overreact all time! Sometimes I miss her and it makes me feel like she is still around" I rambled on.

Then I realized what I was saying was true.  Every time I saw wildflowers it did remind me of my Mom.  It made me happy and now I was upset with Alex for ruining that feeling for me.  I laid the flower on the bench and got up.  I started kicking the ground and felt tears welling up in my eyes.  I kept thinking "What the hell is happening?" I hadn't cried in years!  I hated how weak my father was, how he moped around all the time wallowing in his self pity.  I wasn't going to be like him.  I was strong and I spent almost 8 years showing him how much weaker he was than me.

Of course, in the beginning I would cry myself to sleep.  I kept wishing my dad would hear me and come tell me everything would be all right. That we still had each other.   Night after night as I lay there alone, I realized I was going to have to do this all by myself.  My anger towards him grew and I swore I would never be like him.  Now, as a tear rolled down my blushed cheek, I felt helpless against it.  The burning sensation in the back of my neck was growing and I just wanted to run and hide from my embarrassment.  I kept turning away from Alex as she kept moving toward me, patting my arm and apologizing.  I felt stupid and wanted to hide my face from her.  The tears were streaming now and I couldn't understand why. Was I really crying because it brought back memories of my Mom?  Or, was it that I really liked Alex and realized she didn't feel anything for me!  I didn't know, but I couldn't stop the tears and it was causing me to panic.  Every time I turned from her, she was back on me like glue.  

      "Stop looking at me!" I yelled.

I then flung myself back onto the bench, smashing the flower beneath me.  I buried my face into my hands.  I was crying! Crying like a baby in-front of the only girl I ever wanted to impress.  It would get around school and I would be the biggest loser...bigger than I already was.  I envisioned walking down the halls and everyone doing "crying hands."  To make things worse, I had no idea why or what I could do to make them stop.  Then, she sat next to me on the bench, placing her head on my bent over back.  She was cradling me and rubbing the back of my neck.  Between the tears, my eyes were darting around buried inside my hands.  "Was this really happening?  Was Alex hugging me?" I thought.  Thoughts were racing through my head, I heard "Dude you already ruined your life, you might as well enjoy the only hug she will ever give you."  So I did, I relaxed and let her continue to rub the back of my neck.  I could feel the embarrassment and tension start to fade. 

     "I'm so sorry Tanner. I'm always thinking of myself and forget other people have shit to deal with. I'm really sorry, please forgive me" she whispered as she moved closer to me. 

Now, her breathe gently flowed over my neck and then I felt what I could have sworn was a kiss. "Oh My GOD, did she just kiss the back of my neck? Holy shit!!" I thought, as my eyes opened wide staring at the inside of my hands.

I just stared into the dark of my hands, not knowing what to do next.  The tears were stopping, but I didn't want this moment to end. I felt so close to her, for once she didn't have this wall between us.

     "Are you okay?" she asked breaking the excitement going on inside me.

Slowly, I raised my head and wiped my face on my sleeve.

   

  "I'm fine, just an idiot" I responded.

   "Tanner, it's okay, you miss her.  I understand what it is like to lose something that you will never get back! It sucks, I get it! You don't have to be embarrassed" she said convincingly.  

I wondered what it was she had lost.  I looked toward her, but she was staring off into the distance.  She seemed to be thinking, possibly of her moment of loss.  I wondered what I should say, but then she caught me staring at her and turned abruptly in my direction.

     "Wanna walk?" she asked standing from the bench.

I stood and adjusted my baseball cap and wiped my face again.  As we started walking down the path, her hand gently touched mine. I didn't react.

     "I'm sorry if I hurt you" she said as she slowly entangled her fingers around mine.

We walked silently down the path.  I looked forward, afraid of disrupting the moment. It felt surreal.