A Confession...

Unfortunately, I do this blog as a hobby because so much of my life is out of my control.  It is something I can control and so far it hasn't hurt me...like some of those other control habits in life that can ultimately destroy you.  Sadly, my hobbies fall to the bottom of the "To Do" list and I get really behind.  If anyone is trying to follow along, I apologize. 

Due to the fact that I was born into a family of ADD/ADHD brains, my ADD has me constantly running down new avenues, in pursuit of another "Great Idea!"  To my dismay, I have a lot of open projects just waiting for me to visit.  Yes, I'm that friend who says "We should get together!  Let's do lunch" and then radio silence...crickets.  It's not that I don't want to see you, I really, really do.  I just want to see everyone, I want to be everywhere and I want to do everything!  Some days I actually accomplish something!  

Today, I will try to accomplish an update to "Tales From A Bench!"  If you don't see one, that means something popped into my head and I am now running in another direction, but "I'll be back!" Okay, that didn't sound as convincing as the "Governor," but I do try to keep my word!  If you visit now and then, hopefully I'll keep you entertained.  We may never get where we're headed, but life is all about experiences. Am I right?...humor me here!

Here is something else I am writing, unlike "Tales From A Bench" which mostly fiction, this is all true.  Exceptional Parent Magazine was the first publication I read when my daughter was diagnosed with Autism.  I am honored to be contributing a small part of our experience with their readers.  They are a great resource for the special needs community. If you know anyone in the special needs community, please share their publication, they can help.

http://www.eparent.com/blog/forgetting-milestones-learning-measure-progressa-new-way-thinking/

My Life is a Sitcom...A Blog, but absolutely not a Holiday Letter! Oops! ... 2016 What a Year!

This is a tale from my bench, the one that pretty much sums up my life.  This bench at times is the place where my family gathers to sit and share the stories of our day.  Its a loved and a welcomed part of our home, where we laugh and sometimes cry, but always rest.  In the winter it is placed in a cluttered garage to protect it from the not so kind elements occurring outside the garage door. Just like in life, we all have good times and bad times. Writing for me is peace, peace in an ever changing, always busy and often chaotic existence. I love to write!  I may not be that great at it, but it is the one thing I do for me, so I keep doing it.  I like writing fiction, because it allows me freedom and control.  Something I often have too little of, at least in my own mind.  Today, I decided to add my bench to the mix under the title "My Life if Sitcom!" because it often is!  This a little glimpse of non-fiction with a dollop of "BS" just to add flavor!  

December 11, 2016

Shoveling snow brings immediate pain to my back, but it also provides me with a quiet time to reflect.  Reflect on the numerous thoughts that float around inside my brain. Thoughts often like the snowflakes I'm shoveling.  Some gently drifting through the air and landing in beautiful patterns among the tree branches. They seem soft and calm, like a feather of fluff welcoming me into their warmth and comfort. I'm admiring their beauty and am captivated by the silence as they fall.  Until, a cold, sharp breeze drives forward catching the flakes in a flurry of wind and plummets them into my face. My clothes feel wet and uncomfortable and I realize that while I was dreaming of silky pillows, I lost track of the fact I'm now standing in accumulating mounds of work. Then I step forward, trying to keep my balance and my white warm blanket is smashed beneath my feet....CRUNCH! It's blackened and now I need more force as I struggle to move it from the ground.   

Well, today's thoughts in my head were somewhere in between.  My immediate thoughts went to the end of the year, 2016 a year filled with so much emotion...scared, sad, nervous, and happy. Sometimes, happening all at once!

As the shovel hit the cement, I immediately thought how every year I say "This is the last year I am doing this! The last year I am shoveling snow!" This is the year!! The year I will buy a decent (not used) snowblower that will actually work or I swear this is the year I'm moving somewhere without snow!" But, here I am sluggishly pushing snow across my driveway, hitting those pebbles that mean I missed yet another year of blacktopping and trying to keep those nasty thoughts at bay. Those thoughts about how I am the only idiot not using a snowblower! How every year turns to debt and regrets of what was suppose to be accomplished. Another year of...

Then it happens...I hear my Dad's voice "If you are breathing with working hands and legs, you use them!  You shovel!"  Okay, maybe those aren't his words....maybe they sounded more like ... "Your kids need to get their lazy butts out of bed and shovel that damn snow!" (No wonder I hate winter, it comes with that DAMN snow!")  My mother Mary (pun intended)...often laughed at the thought of her 5 immaculate conceptions.  Dad always used the phrase "Your kids" when he was upset with us, with our lazy butts or loud music or lack of doing what he wanted us to do...of course never asking us, but expecting a result just the same.

He was a strong, quiet man of German descent.  He worked hard and his hands showed it. He taught us that you don't get anything without hard work and at times he would crack a wicked smile and I knew where I inherited my gift of floating thoughts from. But, I digress, something I inherited from most likely, both my parents....the dreamer and the fisherman.

So, 2016 What A Year!! 

It began with the engagement of my son to a beautiful and kind young woman I will soon call "daughter."  He moved out for the 2nd time and I got to see the results of my son becoming an adult.  "The Easy One" as I often refer to him as, was no longer the little blond boy who did what ever I asked of him.  He now had his own life, a good job and a lovely fiancee.  We got to watch him grow into a man.  He no longer needed our direction, he has his own thoughts and ideas. He knows what he wants of his life and it's the time we get to see our hard work pay off.  We get to witness our dreams for him come true.  2017 will bring a wedding and we couldn't be happier. 

My middle daughter faced her hardest year of college yet.  The overachiever who wants to please.  Earning a double major while working 3 jobs was catching up with her.  When she wasn't sick, she was studying and when she wasn't studying, she was working.  For the first time since she left for college, she came home for the summer!  It was wonderful having her around again. She went from never planning on coming home to starting the school year wanting nothing more than to get finished and be back. She grew and being on her own didn't seem like the most important thing anymore.  She had a new set of dreams and achievements to obtain.  She constantly raised the bar for herself and has met someone who is caring and treats her well. She's learned she deserves it.  When your child leaves for college, they are big kids wanting freedom. 2017 will bring a graduation and the emergence of a young woman wanting to help make another person's life a little easier.  Wanting to help those who struggle with educational challenges live up to their greatest potential.  A young woman who is confident in her talents and whose heart is filled with so much love.  We couldn't be happier.

For my third child, life was a roller coaster of emotions in 2016. When someone with Autism faces big transitions, the amount of uncertainty causes so much stress and anxiety.  She would go from excitement to fear so quickly that most times we weren't sure what she was feeling.  2016 brought high school graduation and saying goodbye to people she had learned to trust.  For most people, trust is something that is earned and when it is broken, the results are devastating.  For the person with Autism, broken trust and loss can be detrimental and something they may not recover from or at least not quickly.  She was having to leave a safe place with safe people.  

 A few years ago, we weren't sure if college would even be a consideration. Now, she was a full-time college student. She was taking a full course load to be eligible to compete in sports.  This was not something we had planned and certainly not something we expected. We had worries of how she would get to college, what would she do with her time waiting for a ride home.  Quickly, those worries went from us fighting to get out the door on time (although that still happens every morning) to her successfully completing her first semester of college.  Although we are always running late in the morning, most evenings we find ourselves teasing each other and singing songs together.  She was lucky enough to be on an awesome and successful team and she continues to improve.  We have had the amazing opportunity to see her grow immensely and achieve things we never thought possible and we couldn't be happier.

So, if you find yourself breathing, with working hands and legs, use them!!!  Get up off your lazy butt and do something! 2016 taught me that life changes for good and for bad.  Nothing is guaranteed, not your job, your health and sadly not even your life.  When you can help someone else, do it!  Find happiness in the little things and love always, even when hate is standing before you.  On the days you want to quit, DON'T!  There is a new day dawning, a new week, a new month, a new year!  When you feel like crying, go for it!  Cry like a baby and then pull yourself up and be a big kid!  

And, don't forget if you live in the Midwest, there is a pretty good chance there will be DAMN snow!  Maybe even a lot of it, so just SHOVEL IT!!  Or, if you are really lucky...use a working snowblower!  Happy Holidays!!!

Laney's Story

                                        

Here goes nothing!  I can't believe I'm doing this again.  Another new job and why?  Why am I always running from someone or something?

Every time I breathe in deeply, the cold air pierces my lungs like the tip of a knife.  My stomach is feeling queasy from the large amount of coffee floating in it.  As I sit, all I want is to be back in my warm bed and far away from the man who chases me in my thoughts.

Here I sit, in constant fear that he will appear in my peripheral vision and my life will no longer be my own.

I want to stand as people quickly walk past me because I don't want to be caught off guard.  My knees are weak and I keep thinking "He won't find you, you were careful!"

The train whistle blows loudly and I feel the cold air slap my face as the cars slow down.  I stand from the bench that gave me rest if only for a few minutes.

                                             

   

I wish I could walk outside, but it's just too cold today.  Plus, I feel safer with the lobby security man sitting over there.  I'm exhausted, I hate starting new jobs.  I really hate meeting new people, all those fake "Welcome, so glad you're here!"  "Where did you come from?"  How do I say "I came from hell, how about you?" without sounding a million different alarms.  Guess that would be bad, especially when I want to blend in and not tell my new co-workers I'm hiding from an abusive ex-boyfriend and just want to do my job and be left alone.

I love this window, the trees look so peaceful and the birds are all on high alert.  Ready to warn me of approaching danger.  "I wish!" Even while I was laying in a hospital bed recovering from the damage he did to me, I didn't feel safe.  "Do I really think moving a few towns over is going to protect me?"  "No" I'm just hoping I can buy some time to rethink my future, if I have a future.  He took so much from me, my self worth, my sense of security and now my ability to trust people.  I still have a hard time understanding all the lies he told me, and all the fake promises.  He was so great building me up, making me feel like I was the luckiest girl in the world.  By the time I realized the game had changed, I felt my life only mattered because he was in it and I had endured multiple beatings.  I use to think I was a smart, pretty girl.  I want to think that way again.  

My peaceful and calm stare out the window was just interrupted by a person sitting directly next to me on the bench.  I feel cold.

                                          

I heard it again, that voice..."Laney dear!"  Earlier she scared me half to death as I sat looking out the window during my lunch break.  "You're that new girl in my office right?" She gave me a mere heart attack when she interrupted my personal space.  I'll admit I'm on edge, but it's not everyday someone you met for two seconds on the grand office tour sits down right next to you and acts as though your best friends.  Here we sit once again, but now I'm finding comfort in her presence.  

"Are you waiting for a train dear?" she asked in a sugary sweet voice.  For a moment I wanted to say "No, I'm waiting for a bus and I can't understand why it's not coming!" Instead, I smiled and said "Switching problems, should be here soon!"  "Me too, we must take the same train, isn't that funny?"  

I looked at her, wanting to say "No, it's not funny, there is nothing funny about it!"  But, as I looked into her light blue eyes I saw a sparkle, a sparkle I hadn't experienced in a long time. She had this ability to lower the cold shield I carried in front of me for protection.  She kept talking and I was having trouble following her because I was captivated in the warmth she was giving off. It was almost like I was being wrapped in a nice warm blanket and I was enjoying it.  I smiled at her again as she told me she was sorry for bombarding me with questions.  "I'm just overwhelmed from my day, could you repeat?" I asked.

"I was just wondering where you got off, because I get off at Chesterton!" she said happily.

"Oh! That's where I get off too!" I said surprised.  

Well, you would have thought I just told her she won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, by the way she squealed with joy. I think I actually laughed out loud!  This sweet little woman had me mesmerized.  I was so consumed with her animation, that I almost missed her say "Dear, the train pulled in, we need to get on!"  

We got off the bench and walked toward the platform.  It was nice to relax and I liked having a friend to be with.

I was so happy when Janet offered to carpool to and from the train station.  It just made me feel safer.  I'd have a witness, someone who could call for help, someone with me from the minute I left my apartment, until I arrived home.  This sweet middle-aged woman was probably a false sense of security, but I liked her.  When I was in her presence, I just felt happy.  I liked feeling happy again.  Knowing she only lived blocks from my building added to my comfort level. 

When did my life take such a nose dive into hell?  I hated to think about it, but knew I needed to learn to recognize the signs, so I never make the same mistake again.  Janet talks of her son, the high school teacher and how she wants me to meet him.  I want to tell her why I am so afraid to meet anyone, even her son.  I can't, I cannot burden her with my screwed up troubles.  She is so kind and I know she would do whatever possible to help me. That wouldn't be fair, this was my mess.  I let Kevin in my life and it was my responsibility to keep him out of my life forever.

Janet is so reliable, I barely put my bag down on the bench when I hear a car pull up.

Hard to believe we were through another winter and I was no longer the "new" employee. Usually winter drags and spring seems to take forever to bloom.  I don't know if it was my new found friendship with Janet, or the fact that I was starting to relax once again, but it just seemed like time was flying by and most days I was feeling pretty happy.  Happiness, I almost didn't recognize it when a smile quietly appeared on my face. Janet and I had become fast friends and I really looked forward to talking with her every day. She was full of life, at a time when I was numb. Numb to feelings, numb to joy and numb to pain.  I had managed to delay the meeting she kept pushing for with her son.  I feared that I wouldn't be able to trust another guy and in the meantime, would destroy the relationship that we had developed. Janet was probably one of the nicest people I had ever met and I wasn't ready to give her up. She was stability in my otherwise volatile existence.  A reality born from a misjudgment, an illusion so deceiving that I fell deep into it's control and domination. The weight so heavy, that most days I'd longed to drown in the toxic defilement that was now my life.  My world had become so harrowing, that death would had been a relief.

On this particular day, I should have known Janet was up to something.  Especially, when she convinced me to ride into the city on a Saturday.  We worked in the city Monday thru Friday and the thought of traveling there on a Saturday, was something I didn't want to do. She was persistent and there we were riding the rails on a Saturday morning.  It became even more obvious when she kept walking past all these shops that I wanted to stop in.  "There will be plenty of other shops down this way" she tried convincing me!  "What is your hurry?" I asked.  Then it happened, I heard her squeal with delight as she yelled in a high pitch voice "David, oh my is that you?

"Hi Mom!" the man replied.  

"Laney dear, this is my son David" 

For a moment, I was angry.  I knew she had deceived me, and I didn't like being manipulated. My wounds were still tender to the touch. I composed myself and took David's outstretched hand.  As we shook hands, I wondered if he felt the trembling of my fingers in the grasp of his firm grip. Slowly, his grip weakened and I felt comfort in the strong, but gentleness of his hand. For a minute, I continued to hold his hand as if he transferred some mystical healing power.  Catching myself, I quickly pulled away and rambled "Nice to meet you, I've heard so much about you!"  He smiled and nervously played along with his mother that our meeting was a surprise.  I looked at Janet with a smug expression, letting her know the gig was up.  She stopped the charades and said I'm just so happy you could finally meet. 

David lifted some bags off the bench and we headed to a nearby restaurant.                

There would be about a 15 minute wait for a table and Janet took that time to excuse herself and head over to the ladies room.  I had just sat down at the lobby bench and thought it may seem too much like high school if I got up and followed her to the bathroom.  He would clearly recognize it, since he probably spent most days seeing groups of girls congregate in the women's restroom, talking about boys.  I didn't want him to think that was what we would be doing.  I remained seated for a few minutes, but then began to wonder why I even cared what he thought of me.  After all, I didn't want a relationship and I resented being tricked into meeting David at all.  

I started to get agitated again, when I heard him ask "So, how long have you been living in Chesterton?" I must have glanced in his direction rather harshly, because he continued "Sorry, Mom talks...a lot."  I think he even blushed and just like his mother, his smile lowered my defensive shields.  

"Not long," was all I answered as I reminded myself that Kevin was quite the charmer in the beginning.  I then began to wonder what else Janet had said about me.  Before I could reply anything else, she was back standing in front of us.  

"So, have you two been able to get acquainted?" she said in the sugary sweet voice I've come to recognize.  

"You were in the bathroom Mom! It's not like you have been gone that long!" David answered sounding a bit irritated.  

I think I smirked, because I found it entertaining to watch them banter back and forth.  Just when I thought I might join in, that plastic coaster lite up like an alien space ship and startled me back into reality.  

David and I rose from the bench and followed Janet into the dining area.

                       

Lately, I've been having this gnawing, uneasy feeling.  I couldn't exactly put my finger on it. When I made the decision to not press charges against Kevin, I knew I would always live in fear.  I knew the chance he would hunt me down and attack me was real.  I knew he would try to kill me.  My reasoning at the time to not press charges, was that I needed to get away from him.  I didn't want to ever see him again and I knew a trial would drag that out.  I also knew he would work to discredit, belittle and ultimately attempt to destroy me from the inside out.  He would use any weakness I had against me and trust me he knew them all. If I won, he would be locked away for only a few years, but he would get out eventually.  I knew Kevin, the time behind bars would have only fueled his anger, his desire to dominate and now it would be powered by more vengeance.  He wanted to control me, he wanted me to be his puppet. He held the strings and if I didn't react the way he wanted, I was punished. In his eyes, I was somehow his property and no one else would ever own what he believed was his, even me...my life was no longer mine.

I live with that decision every day. I know in some ways it made me even more of a coward and I knew Kevin reveled in that.  I should have probably moved across the country, but I had done that already.  My dad was never really in my life and I lost my mom a few years ago.  It had been just the two of us for so long and I wanted to experience a new life.  I thought I was ready, I believed I was a strong, independent woman.  So, after Mom died I traveled, looking for a new beginning.  I thought I had finally found it with Kevin, but I soon learned I wasn't even close to being prepared.  Over the past few months, I have continued the torment by internally beating myself up for being so stupid, for not protecting myself or others from him.  Therapy has helped explain something that was so foreign to me.  I've learned the signs, the manipulation, the lack of conscience and the narcissistic drive that fuels these people.  Before it happened to me, I just thought people made bad choices.  I thought this behavior would be obvious.  I learned it has nothing to do with being smart and sadly when you grow up trusting, you become an easy target.  Honestly, I think schools should start teaching the psychology of personality disorders along with sex education.  We are all searching for ourselves, but sadly we think we know everything.  That is until the rug is pulled out from under us and we realize we had no idea of the evil some people possess.
Now, I trust little and live constantly in fear...if you can call that living.  

I had anticipated this day for some time now, after all David had asked me to dinner on more than one occasion.  While Janet and I were sitting outside, enjoying our lunch break, she asked the question I had been dreading.  She wanted to know if I wasn't interested in her son, David.  I guess my list of excuses for not having dinner with him were becoming too apparent.  I wanted to tell her that he probably was the nicest guy I had ever met.  How we actually had so much in common and I truly enjoyed his company.  In addition, he truly seemed like great boyfriend material and I'll admit there was a physical attraction. Unfortunately, with those feelings being very strong, sadly my fear of relationships was greater.  I couldn't bring myself to say "Yes" when he politely asked me to dinner.  

I think my heart rose directly to my throat, because I couldn't speak, I was having trouble breathing. Janet looked concerned when she said "I'm so sorry dear, I didn't mean to put you on the spot!" As I looked at her, tears welled up into my eyes.  "It's okay dear, not everyone feels the same way towards another, I understand!" she continued. 

Quickly, I stood up from the bench and shouted "No, no, that's not it. It's me, it's not him!" Janet kept assuring me it was okay and it was making me anxious.  I could be losing the best thing I have in my life. "I'm scared, I'm just scared!" I yelled. 

"Scared of my David? Laney dear sit down and tell me why your scared" she responded.  I stood with tears streaming down my face. She took my trembling hands and pulled me toward the bench. I had opened Pandora's box and now struggled to pop the lid back on.  It wasn't going back on and I didn't know if I should just let it all out.

It had been about 2 weeks since I confided all the horrific details of my relationship with Kevin to Janet.  Once I started talking, it was like the flood gates opened and there was no stopping it.  The words were endless and overwhelming as Janet just sat holding my trembling hands for what seemed like hours.  When I was finished I was exhausted and my face and shirt drenches from tears.  I will never forget what Janet said to me that day, when she told me "Dear, you will never move forward in life if your past is still wrapped around your feet. It will hold you back and drag you down." She went on to tell me that we are not meant to walk through life alone and that God provides us with assistance in the form of good people who can help us carry our burdens until we can put them down and leave them behind forever.  I confessed my fear that Kevin would one day find and kill me.  I explained how I worried he would hurt or destroy anyone who may be in his way. She asked me why, if I was so afraid of him, did I not press charges, especially if I truly believed he would do what I was claiming.  

You see, after I was released from the hospital, I stayed at a wonderful safe home.  They helped me to get back on my feet and they helped me to recover and to be safe. Unfortunately, I thought back to other women like myself who lost their life when a restraining order failed to protect them.  I felt that maybe if I just disappeared, he wouldn't waste his time looking for me.  At the time I felt alone and just wanted to get as far away from Kevin as I could.  That was the route I chose, I know deep down I should have pressed charges, because if he wasn't coming after me, he most likely would be destroying some other women's life.  I felt guilty for that. After my physical wounds healed, I started working on my emotional ones.  Unfortunately, those wounds were deeper and harder to heal.  This was the choice I made months ago, and I hoped that as time passed, if I just flew under the radar, stayed off the grid, maybe just maybe he wouldn't find me.  I never planned on making friends, I was just trying to get on my feet and save some money, until I could come up with my next plan.  

Meeting Janet and definitely meeting David was never on my to do list. Now, I wondered how in the world I had ever agreed to spend a beautiful Sunday afternoon strolling through the botanical gardens with David.  We had managed to walk for about an hour, just making small talk about the gardens.  It wasn't until we stopped and sat on a bench deep in the flower gardens that realized how much I liked him.  He was kind and funny and like his mother, he wasn't afraid to be my friend.  Spending time with him made me forget about my past. We spent the rest of the day talking and learning about each other and the more we talked the lighter I felt.  That huge weight I was dragging around my ankles was loosening and I didn't feel so tired any more. I was beginning to feel free.

Out of the Black and into the Blue and White

My Tale from a Bench

Out of the Black and into the Blue and White

By Mary Ellen Bogucki

When raising a child with Autism, the highs and lows can be extreme.  This particular time was very difficult and one that had me greatly concerned.  

My middle daughter, Kailey was starting college four hours away from home.  In all the excitement of getting Kai ready, I failed to notice the depression my youngest, ASD daughter, Bree was slipping into.  Bree was starting her sophomore year in high school and her older sister was her best friend, her safe person.  Kailey was the one who taught Bree how to play, who kept her constantly engaged when Bree was stimming. Who shared a room with her and was there for Bree no matter what happened.  The transition of her sister leaving was greater than I imagined and Bree began to withdraw from the outside world.  Every day was a battle to get her to school and every evening I arrived home from work to find her asleep.  Doing homework and even eating became a challenge. Never experiencing depression before, I was at a loss as to how to help her.  After months of no improvement and the emergence of panic attacks, our Pediatrician recommended a wonderful therapist and our battle to overcome situational depression and anxiety began.

Now, if you know Bree you know she moves at a very slow pace.  A sense of urgency is non-existent in Bree’s world.   Being a teen, she also chooses to move slower when my instructions include the word “hurry.”  So, you can imagine my surprise, when only a few weeks after starting therapy, Bree came home and announced she had joined the high school track team!  My first thought was humor, “Have they met Bree?”  Really, her only high school detention was for being late to class….repeatedly!  I appreciated the fact that a friend was encouraging Bree to be part of the team, but figured this would be short-lived.  

Then my panic set in, Bree wasn’t quitting!  We were finally seeing a glimmer of the old Bree the one before her sister left.  Now, she was adding more to her plate and I worried the every day practices would add anxiety and send her spiraling backwards.  I wanted to keep her away from the black hole she finally was climbing out of and my fear of quicksand became a real threat.  “What if she gets pulled back down?” Bree talked about how hard track was and she was exhausted, but she wouldn’t quit.  “She can’t go back!”  Depression is real and it’s horrible and I didn’t think we could do it again!”  I feared, “What if I can’t do it again? What if I couldn’t pull her out this time?”

I did what I thought was best; I reached out to the Head Coach (Anderson) and asked him not to encourage her.  I explained her anxiety and how this was going to be too much for her.  He assured me she had a spot on the team and he would make Bree his Manager if that was what I wanted.  He didn’t want to see her quit and I was overwhelmed by his kindness.  “Manager, that’s a good plan!” I thought.  If this coach is being nice enough to let her stay, it would be wrong of me to tell her she had to quit.  

Well, that lasted as long as the first meet.  Bree came home and said “I don’t want to be Manager; I want to participate, I WANT TO RUN!”  Again, my panic set in.  Again, I shot an email off to Coach Anderson.  “Please don’t encourage my daughter to run!”  By now I am sure he was convinced I was the one with an issue, not Bree.  But, again he humored me and told me not to worry, Bree would be fine.  I thought, “How could he be so confident? How can I trust someone who barely knows her?”  After all, he didn’t know her history or what we had been through.

The day of her first meet arrived and I will admit I was relieved when I couldn’t leave work in time to see her run.  I couldn’t bear to see her fail, it would break my heart.  She called me from the bus and proudly told me “I did it, I ran for the team!  Mom, I’m on a high school team and I did it!”  Slowly I asked, “How did you do?”  Proudly, she announced “I came in last, BUT everyone was so proud of me!  They said I did GREAT!”  She was happy!  She was happy?  She told me how the coaches were proud of her, how her teammates were proud of her and she was proud of herself!  With tears in my eyes, I thought “I am the one with the issue!”  I am spending so much time protecting Bree, that I missed the fact that she is capable of so much more than I give her credit for!”

As the season progressed, Bree moved up a spot.  She was no longer last, but second from last and then third from last.  I remember standing on the side of the track watching her cover her ears, afraid of the sound of the gun going off.  I remember a pit in my stomach as she went to the back of the crowd to start the race.  Why is my daughter putting herself through this, she hates loud noises and she hates crowds.  “Why?”  The answer didn’t come immediately.  

That was almost two years ago.  Bree not only stayed on the high school track team, she joined the cross country team too.  Again, I was like “Are you kidding me, what time do we need to be at the high school on Saturday morning?”  You see, while I was over here doing my complaining and worrying, Bree was over there working with some pretty amazing people.  They were four coaches who we now see as angels on earth.  They took Bree out of the Black and put her into the Blue and White…her school track uniform.  Now in her senior year, Bree went from running last to becoming an alternate on the girl’s varsity cross country team.  “Why?  Why was she doing this?”  Bree was doing this because for once in her mainstreamed life she was ACCEPTED.  It no longer mattered if she had Autism and was different.  She was part of a team and they liked her!  Their support, encouragement and friendship gave her the determination and motivation to improve and rise above any challenges she faced along the way.  Being a part of the team filled a void and pushed the darkness farther and farther away.  Now, the black hole is only a past memory, one we thankfully grew from.

I learned many valuable lessons over those two years. A good friend of mine often asks “Who is driving the bus?” I learned it doesn’t always have to be me and it is okay to trust others and let my daughter grow.  I learned I need to listen to my daughter more, she knows herself better than I do.  I learned winning doesn’t always mean being number one.  Some of the greatest wins happen during the race and not when the first person crosses the finish line.  I learned on the road of life the journey can be more important than the destination. I learned to appreciate every gift of kindness you receive, because it just may change your life.  I learned getting up early on my day off can actually be a lot of fun!  Most of all, I learned that angels really do walk on earth sometimes disguised as coaches and to never underestimate the power of kindness.  

Robert's Story

                                                

I don't understand why I have to be a part of this decision anyway.  My opinion never matter to him and if he thinks I like it, he will hate it for sure. 

"What's that crap you're playing?  You honestly think someone will pay to hear that?" his words still sting today.  "Hey old man, people pay a lot of money to hear me play!  He never understood me or my obsession with music.  He was a butcher, all he knew were cuts of meat and knives.  He worked the typical work day and expected everyone else to be on his schedule.  Well, that doesn't happen when the gig your playing doesn't even start until 10 pm.

"Where the hell is my sister!"  She is famous for making these plans and then showing up an hour late. As I started to look around the courtyard, I wondered if my father would ever step outside this building again.  He and my mother loved the little house they retired in.  It was perfect for them.  Then mom got sick and Dad took care of her.  It was the one time I actually saw my father vulnerable.  When it came to me, my mother was always making up excuses for him.  "Your father doesn't understand music, now if you played football or baseball, that he would understand" she would say.  "He doesn't have to understand to support me" I'd tell her. 

Eventually, I just stopped talking to him and my visits were pretty infrequent.  Ever since my mother passed, Dad's dementia or Alzheimer's seemed to really accelerate.  Now, I live with the guilt of not being around a lot for Mom and now Dad struggles to remember me. Although, he still gets agitated when he sees me, so I'm thinking he remembers more then he's letting on.

"Finally, what the hell took you so long?" I asked my sister Jess.  "The baby spit up all over me, right when I was dropping her off at the sitter. I had to go back home and change" she snapped back at me.  With matched anger, I replied "You never heard of a phone?" "Obviously more than you, I texted you a half hour ago jerk face!" she said in her 10 year old little sister voice.

I got up from the bench and glanced at my phone to see the big glaring #1 sitting next to the message icon.  "Shit!" I mumbled under my voice as we walked toward the "Sunny Days Assisted Living" facility and I already knew Dad was going to hate it here!




                                    

Angrily, I said "I don't understand why you can never arrive on time!"  Shoving my niece onto my lap, my sister Jess shouted back "You need to help out more Robert!  I can't do this alone anymore!"  

By now, Jess was running back toward the parking lot, as my nephew was making a bee line toward a school bus that was idling.  I love my sister's kids, but there is something not right with that boy.

My attention was immediately replaced by my niece rubbing her saliva soaked fingers across my unshaven face.  "Feels kinda rough huh?" I asked the baby as if I was expecting a response.

She smiled and continued touching my cheek.  "You're lucky I like you!" I told her as I wiped the baby dribble from my cheek with my sleeve.

Now, I could hear my nephew screaming in one of his usual tantrums.  I turned to see my sister carrying him kicking and screaming.   As she struggled I found myself glued to the park bench, unable to move even though my brain said “Go help her you bum!”

She sat next to me cradling Joey as if she was putting a cover on a bowling pot of water.  He continued to bubble all over the place, shooting arms and legs in every direction.  The other parents at the park starred in discontent. 

Feeling uncomfortable I asked “What’s his problem, why is he always so upset?” 

Grabbing him to keep him on her lap she looked at me with tears in her eyes, “Do you think this is fun for me?” With pain on her face she leaned toward me and said “My life is a major disaster and I’m doing the best that I can!  Roy moved out 2 weeks ago and I am literally on the verge of losing my mind!  You’re going to have to step up and take on Dad, because if I have one more thing to deal with, you may be raising two kids!”

She abruptly got up off the bench and flung Joey over her shoulder.  He was finally settling down as she headed back toward the parking lot.  I looked at my niece, Chloe and said “I guess this is our clue to leave!”  I stood from the bench and waved “Hi” to some of the women who continued to stare at us.  In a sarcastic tone I shouted “Nothing to see here, everyone has a bad day once in awhile!”  I felt my face turn red with embarrassment as I walked toward the car.  My thoughts immediately turned back to my poor sister and how I needed to be there for her, like she was always there for everyone else.

                                     

The more time I spend with my father, the more sorry I feel for him.  Ever since my mother passed away, I feel as though her family is falling apart.  First, it was Dad's dementia and now my sister's marriage.  Jess finally admitted that Joey has been a strain for her and her husband.  She wanted Joey tested for Autism, but my brother-in-law thinks she just is babying him too much.  They can't agree on how to handle his outbursts and they fight all the time. So, one night in the heat of an argument he left and hasn't come home since.  

"I hope they call us soon, Margaret can't be alone for very long" my father said looking worried.  I could explain that my mother, Margaret is dead, but when I do, he cries as if he loses her all over again.  I can't watch his heart break another time, so I say "No worries pa, Jess is with Mom.  She's in good hands!"  He smiles and said "Oh yes, Jess!"

We sat silent for a few minutes and then he looked at me angrily and asked "Are you working yet, or are you still playing that devil's music?"  

For the first time ever, I didn't get mad!  I actually laughed out loud and said "No pa, no more devil music, I have a good job!" 

"Yeah, a good job, doing what?" he asked almost knowing I was lying about the devil's music.

Now, I needed to think quick, what job would dad find respectable for his only son to have? Without wasting another minute, I shot back "Don't you remember pa, I'm a doctor?"  

A doctor? A doctor? What in God's name possessed me to say a doctor?  It must have been all those years of playing the devil's music...I'm damned!  Not only am I lying to my father, but my lies are horrible! 

He looked around as people in lab coats walked passed.  "You a doctor like them?" he asked shoving his thumb in the direction of some passing people.

"Well, I don't know about them" I said trying to buy myself a few minutes to come up with a story.  Just then a nurse opened the door and called my dad's name.  If I am lucky in a few minutes he will forget what I just said and this bad charade will be over.

"Come on pa, that's you" I said grabbing his arm and helping him up off the bench.  

As we walked through the door, he announced "This is my son Robert, he's a doctor you know!"  

The nurse turned back in my direction and I held my finger to my mouth as to say "Quiet!" I quickly shook my head no.  She smiled and replied "You must be so proud!"

"Why are you sitting out here?' Jess asked.  

I told her, "I heard you with the kids and didn't want to disrupt the bedtime ritual.  I know how much Joey needs his rituals!"  

She sat down on the bench next to me and started to cry.  She began, "It's so hard Robert! I feel like I've lost everything.  When Roy told me he wanted to sell the house and get a divorce, I think my heart stopped beating.  I couldn't breathe, it was like someone shoved my head under water and was holding me down.  I knew that moving wasn't going to be easy, especially for Joey, but having strangers constantly coming in and out of the house wasn't any easier.

"Roy's a piece of crap, you know I never did like him?" I told Jess.

Watching her in all this pain, made me want to hurt him.  

There were times I wished I had chosen a normal job, where I wasn't always away from home.  Although, having been home for the last few months, I was getting antsy.  I had owned this town home for years. When I was going to be on the road for long stretches of time, I rented it out.  It just seemed the easiest answer for Jess and the kids.  Had we known Roy was going to walk out on his family, we could have not sold our parents house.  Jess and the kids could have moved there.  I even offered to pay the mortgage for Jess on her and Roy's house, but she didn't want to stay there.  It was just too much work for her to handle on her own.  

I was staying most nights with Jess, just to help her out with the kids.  I took over running dad to his various doctor appointments.  The band and I were doing some local shows and some studio work, but I wasn't sure how long I could continue to prolong this visit.  We had some major gigs coming up and if I was going to continue making a living playing music, I needed to get back to it!

We remained sitting on the porch bench, not saying a word.  It reminded me of when we were kids and we would lay on the grass and stare up at the stars.  We didn't talk, we'd just lie there in complete peacefulness.  Now, this moment was peaceful too, so different from the chaos that existed most minutes of every hour. I took a deep breath and prayed it wouldn't end.

I knew the peacefulness couldn't last forever, but I was hoping we'd get maybe a day! It's pretty sad when the way I choose to escape Joey's daily screaming fits is to go visit my dad. Jess has had it with my escapes and today she basically let me know it.  Joey was screaming and thrashing around for some unknown reason as usual.  As I started to gather my car keys, she threw Joe's shoe at me. As I turned to see why I was getting pummeled with children's footwear, I saw it!  The despair in her eyes stopped me cold. I froze watching her try and keep her son from hurting himself, while protecting herself from repeated blows to her body.  By now Chloe had stopped playing and was crying too.  "Don't just stand there, do something" my sister yelled at me with tears streaming down her face.  I walked toward her and she yelled again "Not him, Chloe! Why don't you take Chloe for a walk or something."  I turned toward Chloe and the baby immediately put up her arms for me to pick her up.  "Poor kid, she wants to escape as much as I do" I thought.  As I walked toward the door to leave, Jess yelled "Take a bottle, she probably needs one and the diaper bag too!"  

I deliberately avoided committed relationships, raising kids wasn't my thing. I realized that early on when my serious girlfriend of 3 1/2 years kept mentioning how many kids we would have one day.  Each time she mentioned it, the thought of ending our relationship became the only thing I could think about.  The person I thought I was in love with, who I wanted as my wife, was now someone I dreaded coming home to.  Eventually, I couldn't fake it anymore, and she realized I wasn't who she thought I was.  After-all, she made her plans clear from the beginning.  I was the one who pretended like I wanted the same things, until it became obvious I didn't.  

We didn't get far into our walk, when Chloe started crying again.  I walked to the front of the stroller and handed her the bottle.  Her little hands reached up towards me again. "No, I am not carrying you and pushing this stroller too!" I told her as if she would say "Fine!"  I struggled like the amateur I am.  Then I heard a voice say "Do you need help or something?"  I looked up to find a teenage girl sitting on a bench a few feet a head of where I was making a fool out of myself.  "It's my niece, I'm not really good at this" I told her in hopes of not looking like the loser I was.  "Here, go sit on the bench with her and I will push the stroller over" she said smirking.  I knew she was thinking "What an idiot he is!!"

Now I was sitting on the bench, but Chloe was still crying.  "Do you have something to make her happy?" the girl asked looking in the stroller.  "Here" she said handing me the bottle and baby blanket. "She's probably tired, lay her back and maybe she will go to sleep!" she continued. Chloe began drinking and running the blanket through her fingers. She did this for a few minutes, before she drifted off to sleep.  I just held her close, smelling her baby scent and feeling amazed at how sweet she looked in my arms.  The girl laughed quietly and said "They're not that scary once you figure out what they want." I looked up at her as she sat next to me on the bench. "I do my share of babysitting" she said smiling. "Tell me everything you know about babysitting!" I said loudly.  Chloe immediately startled and began to cry again. The girl rubbed her head and whispered "Give her the bottle again!" Chloe took a few sips and fell back to sleep.  "Whisper around sleeping children" she said in a soft but sarcastic tone.  She smiled and got up from the bench.  A teenage boy had approached and it was obvious, that was who she was waiting for.  "After she's been asleep for a little bit, try and lay her in the stroller, maybe you can continue your walk!" she told me sympathetically.  "Thanks for your help" I whispered as I recognized the boy.  He gave me a head nod to show his acknowledgement.

I kept thinking Jess would have been better just taking Joey by herself.  When Roy cancelled claiming he couldn't get off work, I pleaded that I would stay home with Chloe, that she should just go.  That didn't go over too well, she completely fell apart. She was already dealing with the fact that her soon to be ex-husband was a douche bag, I couldn't have her believing it was the whole male species.  Although, I was starting to think maybe it was. Maybe that's the reason we don't get pregnant.  Here my poor sister had to take her oldest child for an Autism evaluation and all I wanted was to get out of going. I was so pissed at Roy for this, Joey wasn't my kid, he was his!  I deliberately chose to be non-committal, no wife, no kids!  I didn't want to deal with all this...."Damn it!" I thought shaking my head and rolling my eyes.  My sobbing sister had locked her arms around both my legs.  All she kept saying was "Please help me."  It was obvious I wasn't getting away and now I felt even worse for ever wanting to.  

I bent down and said "Stop, fine I'll go.  Just stop crying and get up off the floor."  She immediately jumped up and hugged me so hard that I almost fell backwards.   "Do something with yourself" I told her as I straighten my tear soaked pant legs.  She ran out of the room and I found myself starring at Joey, as he sat glued to the TV.  The only time the boy was happy was when those talking trains were on.  He would always have one of those engines in his hands.  I wondered how she planned to get him out of the house, now that he was fixated on the TV.   

Jess spent the next few minutes running from one room to the other.  Before I knew it, she handed me a diaper bag and Chloe.  "Could you put her in the car while I get Joey?" she asked. "Sure!" I answered, relieved I didn't have to pry Joey away.  

As I sat in the car waiting for her to come out, I imagined I'd hear screaming pretty soon. Surprisingly, the car door opened and she put Joey into his car seat.  I turned back to see how she managed to leave without a meltdown.  Then I saw the tablet in his hands and I heard those trains again.  "Hello Thomas"..."Hello Percy"  Yep, there was no escape, those trains were coming with us. 

We dropped Chloe off at the sitter and were now sitting on a bench in a kid friendly waiting room.  There were little chairs and tables with toys all around.  Joey never saw them, he was still obsessed with his tablet.  Jess managed to move Joey from the house to the hospital pretty amazingly.  As long as he had that video playing, he wasn't paying attention to anything else.  Then the door opened and they called his name.  Jess attempted to put the tablet away, but Joey immediately released a blood curdling scream. "Let him have it, at least until we get inside!" I said panicking a bit.  She handed him back the tablet and said "You can watch it, but follow momma!"  He climbed off the bench, never breaking his gaze from the screen.  Occasionally, I would even see a small smile form when one of the engines said something that he must have thought funny.  Whenever I saw that smile, it made me smile.  He wasn't happy often, so when he was, it made me happy.  As we entered a room with two-way mirrors, I wondered if all Autism evaluations involved trains, or just Joey's.  I also wondered who would be watching us from the other side.

I felt horrible leaving Jess, especially since she just received the diagnosis that Joey is on the Autism spectrum. Unfortunately, the band had a small tour that we needed to show up for and with Dad settled in at Sunny Days Assisted Living, it was time to get back to work. I was hoping our neighbors could give her a hand if needed, Tanner seemed like a sweet kid and his dad has been pretty helpful, especially since Roy rarely shows up to see his kids. It was the fastest divorce, of course Roy will pay child support and some alimony, but didn't really care much about visitation. I am not a family man, but if you make a kid, you're a dad and should act like one! Jess and Roy were married for 6 years, Joey and Chloe were planned. It makes no sense to me, except he is punishing Jess for going through with the evaluation. He didn't want his kid labeled and now Joey has started a special pre-school where he will get some therapies to help him. Roy doesn't care that Joey's getting help, it's that he is different that bothers him. I know Jess already is seeing an improvement and is feeling more empowered and hopeful. It is great to see her smile and not crying all the time.