I don't understand why I have to be a part of this decision anyway. My opinion never matter to him and if he thinks I like it, he will hate it for sure.
"What's that crap you're playing? You honestly think someone will pay to hear that?" his words still sting today. "Hey old man, people pay a lot of money to hear me play! He never understood me or my obsession with music. He was a butcher, all he knew were cuts of meat and knives. He worked the typical work day and expected everyone else to be on his schedule. Well, that doesn't happen when the gig your playing doesn't even start until 10 pm.
"Where the hell is my sister!" She is famous for making these plans and then showing up an hour late. As I started to look around the courtyard, I wondered if my father would ever step outside this building again. He and my mother loved the little house they retired in. It was perfect for them. Then mom got sick and Dad took care of her. It was the one time I actually saw my father vulnerable. When it came to me, my mother was always making up excuses for him. "Your father doesn't understand music, now if you played football or baseball, that he would understand" she would say. "He doesn't have to understand to support me" I'd tell her.
Eventually, I just stopped talking to him and my visits were pretty infrequent. Ever since my mother passed, Dad's dementia or Alzheimer's seemed to really accelerate. Now, I live with the guilt of not being around a lot for Mom and now Dad struggles to remember me. Although, he still gets agitated when he sees me, so I'm thinking he remembers more then he's letting on.
"Finally, what the hell took you so long?" I asked my sister Jess. "The baby spit up all over me, right when I was dropping her off at the sitter. I had to go back home and change" she snapped back at me. With matched anger, I replied "You never heard of a phone?" "Obviously more than you, I texted you a half hour ago jerk face!" she said in her 10 year old little sister voice.
I got up from the bench and glanced at my phone to see the big glaring #1 sitting next to the message icon. "Shit!" I mumbled under my voice as we walked toward the "Sunny Days Assisted Living" facility and I already knew Dad was going to hate it here!
Angrily, I said "I don't understand why you can never arrive on time!" Shoving my niece onto my lap, my sister Jess shouted back "You need to help out more Robert! I can't do this alone anymore!"
By now, Jess was running back toward the parking lot, as my nephew was making a bee line toward a school bus that was idling. I love my sister's kids, but there is something not right with that boy.
My attention was immediately replaced by my niece rubbing her saliva soaked fingers across my unshaven face. "Feels kinda rough huh?" I asked the baby as if I was expecting a response.
She smiled and continued touching my cheek. "You're lucky I like you!" I told her as I wiped the baby dribble from my cheek with my sleeve.
Now, I could hear my nephew screaming in one of his usual tantrums. I turned to see my sister carrying him kicking and screaming. As she struggled I found myself glued to the park bench, unable to move even though my brain said “Go help her you bum!”
She sat next to me cradling Joey as if she was putting a cover on a bowling pot of water. He continued to bubble all over the place, shooting arms and legs in every direction. The other parents at the park starred in discontent.
Feeling uncomfortable I asked “What’s his problem, why is he always so upset?”
Grabbing him to keep him on her lap she looked at me with tears in her eyes, “Do you think this is fun for me?” With pain on her face she leaned toward me and said “My life is a major disaster and I’m doing the best that I can! Roy moved out 2 weeks ago and I am literally on the verge of losing my mind! You’re going to have to step up and take on Dad, because if I have one more thing to deal with, you may be raising two kids!”
She abruptly got up off the bench and flung Joey over her shoulder. He was finally settling down as she headed back toward the parking lot. I looked at my niece, Chloe and said “I guess this is our clue to leave!” I stood from the bench and waved “Hi” to some of the women who continued to stare at us. In a sarcastic tone I shouted “Nothing to see here, everyone has a bad day once in awhile!” I felt my face turn red with embarrassment as I walked toward the car. My thoughts immediately turned back to my poor sister and how I needed to be there for her, like she was always there for everyone else.
The more time I spend with my father, the more sorry I feel for him. Ever since my mother passed away, I feel as though her family is falling apart. First, it was Dad's dementia and now my sister's marriage. Jess finally admitted that Joey has been a strain for her and her husband. She wanted Joey tested for Autism, but my brother-in-law thinks she just is babying him too much. They can't agree on how to handle his outbursts and they fight all the time. So, one night in the heat of an argument he left and hasn't come home since.
"I hope they call us soon, Margaret can't be alone for very long" my father said looking worried. I could explain that my mother, Margaret is dead, but when I do, he cries as if he loses her all over again. I can't watch his heart break another time, so I say "No worries pa, Jess is with Mom. She's in good hands!" He smiles and said "Oh yes, Jess!"
We sat silent for a few minutes and then he looked at me angrily and asked "Are you working yet, or are you still playing that devil's music?"
For the first time ever, I didn't get mad! I actually laughed out loud and said "No pa, no more devil music, I have a good job!"
"Yeah, a good job, doing what?" he asked almost knowing I was lying about the devil's music.
Now, I needed to think quick, what job would dad find respectable for his only son to have? Without wasting another minute, I shot back "Don't you remember pa, I'm a doctor?"
A doctor? A doctor? What in God's name possessed me to say a doctor? It must have been all those years of playing the devil's music...I'm damned! Not only am I lying to my father, but my lies are horrible!
He looked around as people in lab coats walked passed. "You a doctor like them?" he asked shoving his thumb in the direction of some passing people.
"Well, I don't know about them" I said trying to buy myself a few minutes to come up with a story. Just then a nurse opened the door and called my dad's name. If I am lucky in a few minutes he will forget what I just said and this bad charade will be over.
"Come on pa, that's you" I said grabbing his arm and helping him up off the bench.
As we walked through the door, he announced "This is my son Robert, he's a doctor you know!"
The nurse turned back in my direction and I held my finger to my mouth as to say "Quiet!" I quickly shook my head no. She smiled and replied "You must be so proud!"
"Why are you sitting out here?' Jess asked.
I told her, "I heard you with the kids and didn't want to disrupt the bedtime ritual. I know how much Joey needs his rituals!"
She sat down on the bench next to me and started to cry. She began, "It's so hard Robert! I feel like I've lost everything. When Roy told me he wanted to sell the house and get a divorce, I think my heart stopped beating. I couldn't breathe, it was like someone shoved my head under water and was holding me down. I knew that moving wasn't going to be easy, especially for Joey, but having strangers constantly coming in and out of the house wasn't any easier.
"Roy's a piece of crap, you know I never did like him?" I told Jess.
Watching her in all this pain, made me want to hurt him.
There were times I wished I had chosen a normal job, where I wasn't always away from home. Although, having been home for the last few months, I was getting antsy. I had owned this town home for years. When I was going to be on the road for long stretches of time, I rented it out. It just seemed the easiest answer for Jess and the kids. Had we known Roy was going to walk out on his family, we could have not sold our parents house. Jess and the kids could have moved there. I even offered to pay the mortgage for Jess on her and Roy's house, but she didn't want to stay there. It was just too much work for her to handle on her own.
I was staying most nights with Jess, just to help her out with the kids. I took over running dad to his various doctor appointments. The band and I were doing some local shows and some studio work, but I wasn't sure how long I could continue to prolong this visit. We had some major gigs coming up and if I was going to continue making a living playing music, I needed to get back to it!
We remained sitting on the porch bench, not saying a word. It reminded me of when we were kids and we would lay on the grass and stare up at the stars. We didn't talk, we'd just lie there in complete peacefulness. Now, this moment was peaceful too, so different from the chaos that existed most minutes of every hour. I took a deep breath and prayed it wouldn't end.
I knew the peacefulness couldn't last forever, but I was hoping we'd get maybe a day! It's pretty sad when the way I choose to escape Joey's daily screaming fits is to go visit my dad. Jess has had it with my escapes and today she basically let me know it. Joey was screaming and thrashing around for some unknown reason as usual. As I started to gather my car keys, she threw Joe's shoe at me. As I turned to see why I was getting pummeled with children's footwear, I saw it! The despair in her eyes stopped me cold. I froze watching her try and keep her son from hurting himself, while protecting herself from repeated blows to her body. By now Chloe had stopped playing and was crying too. "Don't just stand there, do something" my sister yelled at me with tears streaming down her face. I walked toward her and she yelled again "Not him, Chloe! Why don't you take Chloe for a walk or something." I turned toward Chloe and the baby immediately put up her arms for me to pick her up. "Poor kid, she wants to escape as much as I do" I thought. As I walked toward the door to leave, Jess yelled "Take a bottle, she probably needs one and the diaper bag too!"
I deliberately avoided committed relationships, raising kids wasn't my thing. I realized that early on when my serious girlfriend of 3 1/2 years kept mentioning how many kids we would have one day. Each time she mentioned it, the thought of ending our relationship became the only thing I could think about. The person I thought I was in love with, who I wanted as my wife, was now someone I dreaded coming home to. Eventually, I couldn't fake it anymore, and she realized I wasn't who she thought I was. After-all, she made her plans clear from the beginning. I was the one who pretended like I wanted the same things, until it became obvious I didn't.
We didn't get far into our walk, when Chloe started crying again. I walked to the front of the stroller and handed her the bottle. Her little hands reached up towards me again. "No, I am not carrying you and pushing this stroller too!" I told her as if she would say "Fine!" I struggled like the amateur I am. Then I heard a voice say "Do you need help or something?" I looked up to find a teenage girl sitting on a bench a few feet a head of where I was making a fool out of myself. "It's my niece, I'm not really good at this" I told her in hopes of not looking like the loser I was. "Here, go sit on the bench with her and I will push the stroller over" she said smirking. I knew she was thinking "What an idiot he is!!"
Now I was sitting on the bench, but Chloe was still crying. "Do you have something to make her happy?" the girl asked looking in the stroller. "Here" she said handing me the bottle and baby blanket. "She's probably tired, lay her back and maybe she will go to sleep!" she continued. Chloe began drinking and running the blanket through her fingers. She did this for a few minutes, before she drifted off to sleep. I just held her close, smelling her baby scent and feeling amazed at how sweet she looked in my arms. The girl laughed quietly and said "They're not that scary once you figure out what they want." I looked up at her as she sat next to me on the bench. "I do my share of babysitting" she said smiling. "Tell me everything you know about babysitting!" I said loudly. Chloe immediately startled and began to cry again. The girl rubbed her head and whispered "Give her the bottle again!" Chloe took a few sips and fell back to sleep. "Whisper around sleeping children" she said in a soft but sarcastic tone. She smiled and got up from the bench. A teenage boy had approached and it was obvious, that was who she was waiting for. "After she's been asleep for a little bit, try and lay her in the stroller, maybe you can continue your walk!" she told me sympathetically. "Thanks for your help" I whispered as I recognized the boy. He gave me a head nod to show his acknowledgement.
I kept thinking Jess would have been better just taking Joey by herself. When Roy cancelled claiming he couldn't get off work, I pleaded that I would stay home with Chloe, that she should just go. That didn't go over too well, she completely fell apart. She was already dealing with the fact that her soon to be ex-husband was a douche bag, I couldn't have her believing it was the whole male species. Although, I was starting to think maybe it was. Maybe that's the reason we don't get pregnant. Here my poor sister had to take her oldest child for an Autism evaluation and all I wanted was to get out of going. I was so pissed at Roy for this, Joey wasn't my kid, he was his! I deliberately chose to be non-committal, no wife, no kids! I didn't want to deal with all this...."Damn it!" I thought shaking my head and rolling my eyes. My sobbing sister had locked her arms around both my legs. All she kept saying was "Please help me." It was obvious I wasn't getting away and now I felt even worse for ever wanting to.
I bent down and said "Stop, fine I'll go. Just stop crying and get up off the floor." She immediately jumped up and hugged me so hard that I almost fell backwards. "Do something with yourself" I told her as I straighten my tear soaked pant legs. She ran out of the room and I found myself starring at Joey, as he sat glued to the TV. The only time the boy was happy was when those talking trains were on. He would always have one of those engines in his hands. I wondered how she planned to get him out of the house, now that he was fixated on the TV.
Jess spent the next few minutes running from one room to the other. Before I knew it, she handed me a diaper bag and Chloe. "Could you put her in the car while I get Joey?" she asked. "Sure!" I answered, relieved I didn't have to pry Joey away.
As I sat in the car waiting for her to come out, I imagined I'd hear screaming pretty soon. Surprisingly, the car door opened and she put Joey into his car seat. I turned back to see how she managed to leave without a meltdown. Then I saw the tablet in his hands and I heard those trains again. "Hello Thomas"..."Hello Percy" Yep, there was no escape, those trains were coming with us.
We dropped Chloe off at the sitter and were now sitting on a bench in a kid friendly waiting room. There were little chairs and tables with toys all around. Joey never saw them, he was still obsessed with his tablet. Jess managed to move Joey from the house to the hospital pretty amazingly. As long as he had that video playing, he wasn't paying attention to anything else. Then the door opened and they called his name. Jess attempted to put the tablet away, but Joey immediately released a blood curdling scream. "Let him have it, at least until we get inside!" I said panicking a bit. She handed him back the tablet and said "You can watch it, but follow momma!" He climbed off the bench, never breaking his gaze from the screen. Occasionally, I would even see a small smile form when one of the engines said something that he must have thought funny. Whenever I saw that smile, it made me smile. He wasn't happy often, so when he was, it made me happy. As we entered a room with two-way mirrors, I wondered if all Autism evaluations involved trains, or just Joey's. I also wondered who would be watching us from the other side.
I felt horrible leaving Jess, especially since she just received the diagnosis that Joey is on the Autism spectrum. Unfortunately, the band had a small tour that we needed to show up for and with Dad settled in at Sunny Days Assisted Living, it was time to get back to work. I was hoping our neighbors could give her a hand if needed, Tanner seemed like a sweet kid and his dad has been pretty helpful, especially since Roy rarely shows up to see his kids. It was the fastest divorce, of course Roy will pay child support and some alimony, but didn't really care much about visitation. I am not a family man, but if you make a kid, you're a dad and should act like one! Jess and Roy were married for 6 years, Joey and Chloe were planned. It makes no sense to me, except he is punishing Jess for going through with the evaluation. He didn't want his kid labeled and now Joey has started a special pre-school where he will get some therapies to help him. Roy doesn't care that Joey's getting help, it's that he is different that bothers him. I know Jess already is seeing an improvement and is feeling more empowered and hopeful. It is great to see her smile and not crying all the time.
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