"This sucks so bad! I totally hate everyone here! Really, you think I can't feel you starring a hole into the side of my face?"
"Yep, we are moving again son!"
"Thanks Dad! Appreciate it!"
I keeping sitting here thinking about how much you are ruining my life. Just once I wish my dad would consider my feelings. He's not the only one hurting here. Starting over new doesn't erase the fact that she existed. Just once I wish he would realize I loved her too. She was my mother!
Baseball, I can actually hit something and feel good about it. Actually, baseball is the one thing I can do somewhat well. At least I felt that way in Kenton. Kenton, home of the "Flying Eagles!" I miss Kenton, a least they had a cool mascot. I've only been here for 3 weeks and I hate it already!
Dad likes to divert himself to keep his thoughts of mom buried. He dumped his feelings into the grave that day and every time they come to the surface we move. A week after my mothers funeral, we moved to Turnberry. We were there less then six months. It doesn't help that he can't leave me behind too. Unfortunately, if he chose to leave me behind it would be abandonment! So, six months in Turnberry, dad broke the lease and dropped me off in Wellington with my grandparents.
Dad wanted to get away from anything that could remind him of my mother and that included me. Don't get me wrong, my father loves me, but I remind him a lot of my mother and he wants nothing more than to forget his loss. I was eight when I started school in Wellington. It was a small farming town and there weren't many of us that went to school there. I had made a few friends and was just starting to settle in, when my dad showed up one Saturday to pick me up. He was excited, he had a new job and I guess he thought he could see me again. Off we went!
We lasted pretty long in Ashburg. I think it was maybe a whole school year. My teachers, the school social worker kept telling him "It's not good to keep uprooting the boy!" I barely remember all the towns we lived in, but I liked it in Kenton. We lasted there the longest, almost four years. My dad seemed to be happy and for me they were four important years. I had made some stable friends and really found myself playing baseball. I knew my competition and I knew I could beat it!
Here in Chesterton, I felt like an outsider and I knew I didn't belong.
I turned my head to vaguely hear "Tanner!" My eyes met a freckle faced kid as he loudly announced "Loser, your up!"
I got off the bench and walked out of the dugout. My tryouts for the Chesterton Yellow Jackets just began. "Who the hell wants to be a Yellow Jacket anyway?" Everyone but me!
"Really Dad, I don't think anyone uses that word anymore" I would tell him.
But, now these two were just getting on my nerves.
"So Tanner, you need to choose sides!" said the freckled face kid giving me a shove.
"It's us or them, whose it gonna be?" said the other one.
"Think about it and get back to us" ole freckled face said as he punched me in the shoulder while getting up. The two of them walked down the hall slapping and shoving each other. I must have looked confused, because I heard a voice say "Their harmless...idiots, but harmless idiots!" When I turned in the direction of the voice, I saw a girl sitting across the hall next to an open locker.
"Who are they?" I asked.
"Ben and Nick" the girl said. I just stared at her and she seemed uncomfortable. She started pulling her books together and stood up.
"They just want what everyone wants, to fit in" she said closing her locker.
"Is that what you want?" I asked.
"I want to disappear" she said walking away.
"Hey, what's your name?" I shouted.
She just kept walking. I jumped off the bench and started after her.
"Hey, wait up!" I yelled again. Just then I was yanked backwards by the hood of my sweatshirt. The force of the pull choked me a little and I stumbled to remain on my feet.
I kept hoping if I sat here long enough she would walk past. I don't understand this school. I didn't get what made me an immediate target? Granted moving in mid-school year didn't help. But, I could always count on my favorite duo to show up. Just then my hat
was knocked off my head as one of them plopped down next to me on the bench.
"Come on Nick, we are hear to congratulate our buddy Tanner!" the freckled face kid said bending down to get my hat. "I'm Ben and that's Nick, we wanted to congratulate you on making the team!" he said holding out my hat in front of me.
Without breaking my stare, I grabbed the hat from his hand. "So the list is up huh? Guess that explains why I was randomly choked in the hallway!" I said.
"Who was it?" Ben asked.
I shrugged an "I don't know!"
"I bet I know" he said looking toward Nick. They both started laughing and said "I knew he'd be pissed he didn't make the team. Don't sweat it, he wasn't any good anyway!"
I continued to watch for her and really wished my new friends would leave. Then I saw her, but so did they. Nick jumped off the bench and followed Ben in the direction of the girl. I heard Ben say "Hey Alex wait!"
"Leave me alone Ben!" she said as she continued to walk past him.
"I just wanted to know if you needed a ride!" he said as he stopped and watched her walk away.
She looked at me and rolled her eyes. I jumped up and hurried to catch up with her.
"I'm Tanner, what's your name?" I asked trying to keep her pace.
Suddenly she stopped and said "Look Tanner, I'm sure you are a great guy, but I'm not looking for any new friends!" She turned away and started running through the parking lot.
By now Ben and Nick were standing next to me and we all were starring in the direction that she ran.
"Something happened. I don't know what, but she changed. She's been my neighbor my whole life and now it's like we are complete strangers. It just doesn't make sense" Ben said almost sounding depressed.
The three of us stood still, watching her continue to weave in between parked cars. I wondered what her story was.
Hitting me in the arm, Ben asked "Want a ride?"
Rubbing my shoulder, I said "Yeah" in hopes of seeing where Alex lived. I couldn't understand why I wanted to know her so badly, but I wasn't ready to give up.
I spent many, many days sitting on Ben's deck just hoping, maybe Alex would come over and hang out with us. By this point, I had become pretty good friends with Ben and Nick. They had their obnoxious moments, but they really weren't that bad. We were together a lot due to baseball. It seemed like the only time I saw Alex was when she walking into her next class. Even hanging out near her locker wasn't very successful. I told myself, "Dude, stop being so creepy and move on! She doesn't want anything to do with you!"
Things at home were getting better though. My dad seemed to be happy with his new job and the duplex next store had some new occupants living there. Originally, it seemed vacant but recently, some lady and her two little kids moved in. I found my dad talking to the woman and even helping her from time to time. It was weird. He had become a hermit after my mom died. He really didn't talk to anyone, including me. He'd sit at the table and read the newspaper, or he would lay on his bed watching TV. Now, he would stick his head in my room every night and ask if every thing was okay. The first night he did that, I asked "What do you mean?" I had no idea what he was asking about.
"You know, you? Your life?" he replied.
I wanted to say "You're asking me now? You haven't talk to me in like 7 years, why now?"
In two years I will be 18 and probably out of his house. Why even bother, I thought. All I replied was "I'm fine, thanks for asking!"
Sadly, I missed the guy, so many times over the years I had wished he would care about me just a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I always had clean clothes, food to eat and a place to live. I appreciated that, but I really wanted my dad. I wanted to play catch outside with him. I wanted to watch the football game or go to a movie now and then. I just wanted to be with him. Depending on where we were living, my grandparents, aunts and/or uncles would attempt to visit at least a few times a month. I got use to doing those things with them and stopped expecting my dad to change. The shitty thing was, we used to be a family. We were always going places and doing things together. I remember playing cars on the floor with my dad. My mother was always happy, my parents were happy, I was happy! Until we weren't. I don't really remember the exact moment our lives changed. It was before my mother died, it must of been when she first got sick.
One day, I remember her crying and telling my grandmother how much she had wanted me to have a brother or sister and how now it wouldn't happen. I remember my grandma telling her "There's always adoption." I didn't really know what that meant back then. I just knew my mom wasn't as happy as she used to be. I wondered why I wasn't enough for her. Why she was sad that I wouldn't have a brother or sister. I never asked her. She was always going to the hospital and she was always not feeling well. Everyone told me I needed to let her rest. That's when I got sad. I just wanted to be a family again.
This new dad was odd and to be honest, I didn't know how to handle it. I was afraid that just like when I was living some where I liked, we would move. I was afraid if I got use to talking to him, he may stop again. If that happened, I might hate him and I didn't want to hate him. After all, he was my dad, he was all I had.
Life was just getting weirder by the minute. Dad asked me to go clothes shopping with him. He wanted some new "outfits"...."Outfits??? WTH!!" He needed more than new clothes if he was going to impress this lady, so I agreed to go help him pick some "outfits" out. I had no idea who this man was that I was living with, but I knew he definitely was not my father!
Now, he wanted to take me to lunch and I couldn't hide the bewilderment that was stamped across my face. I think I made him uncomfortable, because he told me to go sit on the bench while he put his packages in the car. That's when I saw her! Walking towards the restaurant with her eyes locked on the ground was Alex. I kept praying she would look up and see me sitting there. "Look up, look up, look up" I kept thinking in my head. I kept squirming from side to side, hoping to catch her attention. I even fake coughed with no results! When she was directly in front of me I shouted "Hi Alex, how are you?" Startled, she shot her head up and said "Oh hey Tanner!" I jumped up, excited she remembered my name. "Where's the other two stooges?" she inquired. That made me laugh and smirking I told her "I'm here with my Dad!" "Oh" she said and for the first time she made eye contact with me that lasted more than a few seconds. I was really enjoying seeing her eyes and just when I got enough courage to speak, my Dad arrived. He proceeded to awkwardly put his arm around me and then said "Son, whose your friend?"
To my surprise, Alex held out her hand and said "Nice to meet you Tanner's Dad! I am Alex, your son and I go to school together!" I stood watching these two people converse as if they were old friends. I wanted to talk to each of them for so long, and here they were chatting it up, while I stood dumbfounded and looking stupid.
Tanner and I are grabbing some lunch, would you like to join us? my Dad asked. "I was just getting something quick" she responded. "I insist Alex! Tanner and I would love your company" my dad said convincingly.
Next thing I knew I was sitting across the table from Alex and had absolutely nothing to say!
It was weird, Alex would talk for hours to me over text, but the minute we were in person she acted like she didn't know me. I couldn't figure her out, but I wanted to keep trying. I was shocked when she agreed to meet me at a walking path near my subdivision. It usually was packed with couples, dog walkers and families with strollers. I thought "Why there?" but was just happy she at least agreed to meet me.
When I arrived at the chosen bench, I was bummed to see her sitting with a man and his kid. Of course she wouldn't be alone, it seems she avoids every chance for that to happen. To my surprise, I actually recognized the guy she was with. He owned the townhouse next to mine, where he lived with his sister and her kids. His sister is the woman my dad was infatuated with. Now, he was talking to the girl I was crushing on. "What's this guy's deal?" I thought looking to blame my misfortune on someone else.
I nodded in acknowledgement that I recognized him.
"You're my neighbor right?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm Tanner! My dad and I live next door to you and your sister" I responded.
"That's right" he said shaking his head yes.
"So, you guys know each other?" I asked pointing toward him and Alex.
Surprisingly, they both responded with a quick "No!" Looking confused, Robert, as I just found out was his name, clarified that "She was helping me out with my niece, I'm clueless" he said laughing quietly.
"I'm Alex, I'm glad I could help" Alex responded with a gesture for a handshake towards Robert.
Rising from the bench to shake her hand, he softly responded "Well, maybe I'll try and put her down as you suggested."
"Gently" Alex said in a whisper.
Robert whispered back "I got it!" The baby didn't wake, so Robert softly waved and slowly headed down the path.
Alex and I stared at each other for a moment and then she moved to sit on the bench. I quickly followed and sat next to her. Immediately, she jumped up and said "Let's walk!" She chose the direction that Robert was headed in and I wondered what she was so afraid of me.
Alex and I were finally beginning to hang out at school. She would swing by my locker after 5th period and we would walk to lunch together. I felt like she was starting to warm up to me, at least a little bit. It was still bugging me that she would never come to my house, nor was I invited to hers. She would text me numerous times a day, but made it clear we were just friends.
Today, we were meeting back at the park. I saw some yellow wild flowers in some grass on my way and thought I would surprise her with one. All I wanted was to brighten up her day! Well, that turned out to be a BIG mistake!
I was sitting on the bench twirling the flower between my fingers. She ran up from behind and knocked my cap off my head. As I leaned down to pick up the cap, she jumped in front of me with the biggest smile on her face, as if to say "Ta Da!" Looking up, I saw the smile plummet from her face, faster than B24 Bomber with it's tail on fire and that's when it all exploded!
"What is that?" she yelled at me.
"What, this? A flower, I picked on the way!" I embarrassingly answered.
"Why would you do that Tanner?" she asked harshly.
Why would I do that? I thought vigorously for what the right answer should be. I couldn't understand why she was so upset. Was she a tree hugger and I just killed one of nature's most beautiful creations? Or, was it me? The thought of me liking her, made her sick to her stomach and I now ruined the best friendship I had going in this stupid town! I didn't know the answer so I said the first thing that popped into my head.
"What? It reminded me of my Mom, so I picked it. She loved wild flowers and would take me for walks and we would bring home handfuls and decorate the house with them. You got some kind of allergy or a hatred for flowers?" I said kind of snarky. I was actually shocked as the words spew from my mouth.
I saw the tension drain from her face and shoulders and she smirked at me.
"Sorry, I just don't want you thinking you can give me flowers and be my boyfriend!" she answered in a half sarcastic way.
"No, I saw a flower and I picked it! Really it's not a big deal, I don't know why you have to overreact all time! Sometimes I miss her and it makes me feel like she is still around" I rambled on.
Then I realized what I was saying was true. Every time I saw wildflowers it did remind me of my Mom. It made me happy and now I was upset with Alex for ruining that feeling for me. I laid the flower on the bench and got up. I started kicking the ground and felt tears welling up in my eyes. I kept thinking "What the hell is happening?" I hadn't cried in years! I hated how weak my father was, how he moped around all the time wallowing in his self pity. I wasn't going to be like him. I was strong and I spent almost 8 years showing him how much weaker he was than me.
Of course, in the beginning I would cry myself to sleep. I kept wishing my dad would hear me and come tell me everything would be all right. That we still had each other. Night after night as I lay there alone, I realized I was going to have to do this all by myself. My anger towards him grew and I swore I would never be like him. Now, as a tear rolled down my blushed cheek, I felt helpless against it. The burning sensation in the back of my neck was growing and I just wanted to run and hide from my embarrassment. I kept turning away from Alex as she kept moving toward me, patting my arm and apologizing. I felt stupid and wanted to hide my face from her. The tears were streaming now and I couldn't understand why. Was I really crying because it brought back memories of my Mom? Or, was it that I really liked Alex and realized she didn't feel anything for me! I didn't know, but I couldn't stop the tears and it was causing me to panic. Every time I turned from her, she was back on me like glue.
"Stop looking at me!" I yelled.
I then flung myself back onto the bench, smashing the flower beneath me. I buried my face into my hands. I was crying! Crying like a baby in-front of the only girl I ever wanted to impress. It would get around school and I would be the biggest loser...bigger than I already was. I envisioned walking down the halls and everyone doing "crying hands." To make things worse, I had no idea why or what I could do to make them stop. Then, she sat next to me on the bench, placing her head on my bent over back. She was cradling me and rubbing the back of my neck. Between the tears, my eyes were darting around buried inside my hands. "Was this really happening? Was Alex hugging me?" I thought. Thoughts were racing through my head, I heard "Dude you already ruined your life, you might as well enjoy the only hug she will ever give you." So I did, I relaxed and let her continue to rub the back of my neck. I could feel the embarrassment and tension start to fade.
"I'm so sorry Tanner. I'm always thinking of myself and forget other people have shit to deal with. I'm really sorry, please forgive me" she whispered as she moved closer to me.
Now, her breathe gently flowed over my neck and then I felt what I could have sworn was a kiss. "Oh My GOD, did she just kiss the back of my neck? Holy shit!!" I thought, as my eyes opened wide staring at the inside of my hands.
I just stared into the dark of my hands, not knowing what to do next. The tears were stopping, but I didn't want this moment to end. I felt so close to her, for once she didn't have this wall between us.
"Are you okay?" she asked breaking the excitement going on inside me.
Slowly, I raised my head and wiped my face on my sleeve.
"I'm fine, just an idiot" I responded.
"Tanner, it's okay, you miss her. I understand what it is like to lose something that you will never get back! It sucks, I get it! You don't have to be embarrassed" she said convincingly.
I wondered what it was she had lost. I looked toward her, but she was staring off into the distance. She seemed to be thinking, possibly of her moment of loss. I wondered what I should say, but then she caught me staring at her and turned abruptly in my direction.
"Wanna walk?" she asked standing from the bench.
I stood and adjusted my baseball cap and wiped my face again. As we started walking down the path, her hand gently touched mine. I didn't react.
"I'm sorry if I hurt you" she said as she slowly entangled her fingers around mine.
We walked silently down the path. I looked forward, afraid of disrupting the moment. It felt surreal.
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